


Gold

by MatchaShachi



Category: Avatar: The Last Airbender
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Azula (Avatar) Redemption, Child Abuse, Clairvoyant Zuko, Cursed child Zuko, Gen, Heavy Angst, Hurt Zuko (Avatar), Hurt/Comfort, Implied/Referenced Torture, Iroh (Avatar) is a Good Uncle, Multi, Ozai (Avatar) Being a Terrible Parent, Protective Gaang (Avatar), Protective Iroh, Protective Sokka (Avatar), Protective Zuko (Avatar), Self-Harm, Spirits, There might be slight zukki, Toph Beifong and Zuko are Siblings, Torture, Zuko (Avatar) Needs Therapy, Zuko (Avatar) Needs a Hug, Zuko (Avatar) whump, Zuko Is A Badass, Zuko Joins The Gaang Early (Avatar), Zuko can see the future, Zuko is an Awkward Turtleduck, Zuko is small baby, and dad, because he was malnourished and sun-deprived, because i love them, but I'm not sure yet, but only at the cost of pain and suffering, dadkoda, disorded eating, literally small, no beta we die like men
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-09-05
Updated: 2020-10-19
Packaged: 2021-03-06 15:20:30
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 5
Words: 37,407
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26311039
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/MatchaShachi/pseuds/MatchaShachi
Summary: Prince Zuko was born on the new moon in the dead of winter.Bad sign, silently whispered scared servants.Bad sign, his mother's heart clenched.Bad sign, scoffed his grandfather, the man who ravaged the world for decades and gathered power and wealth like dragons, whom he once ordered to slay. Born without the presence of Lord Agni or even his sister, Lady Tui, prince was a weak babe without firebending spark in his eyes. His father, a cruel man hiding fierce flame in his eyes and cold chunk of ice instead of heart, was ready to kill him for this. But the absence of spark that was used to be in the eyes of all members of the royal family for many centuries wasn't the only difference between Zuko and others.The boy's eyes were golden, a piercing bright color so intense that even the almost inhumanly light amber of royal family's eyes seemed to be dull in comparison.For the young prince, this will be both salvation and curse./Or au, where Zuko, born with golden eyes, can see the future at the cost of his own pain and suffering./
Relationships: Aang & Zuko (Avatar), Azula & Zuko (Avatar), Iroh & Zuko (Avatar), Katara & Zuko (Avatar), Mai & Ty Lee (Avatar), Mai & Zuko (Avatar), Sokka & Zuko (Avatar), Sokka/Suki (Avatar), Suki & Zuko (Avatar), The Gaang & Zuko (Avatar), Toph Beifong & Zuko
Comments: 304
Kudos: 1257





	1. Prologue: Golden-eyed

**Author's Note:**

> This is my first fic in English. I'm not a native speaker and currently learning English on my own, so I'm pretty sure there will be A LOT of mistakes or strange choice of words. Please feel free to correct them!
> 
> First chapter contains child abuse, torture, self-harm, and some slightly suicidal thoughts from a long and painful confinement.

Prince Zuko was born on the new moon in the dead of winter. _Bad sign_ , silently whispered scared servants. _Bad sign_ , his mother's heart clenched. _Bad sign_ , scoffed his grandfather, the man who ravaged the world for decades and gathered power and wealth like dragons, whom he once ordered to slay. Born without the presence of Lord Agni or even his sister, Lady Tui, prince was a weak babe without firebending spark in his eyes. His father, a cruel man hiding fierce flame in his eyes and cold chunk of ice instead of heart, was ready to kill him for this. But the absence of spark that was used to be in the eyes of all members of the royal family for many centuries wasn't the only difference between Zuko and others.

The boy's eyes were golden, a piercing bright color so intense that even the almost inhumanly light amber of royal family's eyes seemed to be dull in comparison.

For the young prince, this will be both salvation and curse.

  
  
  


****

  
  
  


One day, his mother took him and Azula in her chambers. It was late evening when she pulled them onto her bed, both heads on her laps, and started to tell a story in a low, gentle voice. Mother often told them many-many stories about the deeds of bygone days, about spirits and powerful benders, dragons and generals, life and death.

Zuko, however, felt that this time was different from the others. He heard it in the slight tension of her usually airy voice, saw it in the slight alarm of her warm amber eyes. So he laid on his mother's lap very still and listened to her with bated breath.

The mother's story told of a young noble maiden, whose beauty was unmatched. 

_A long time ago, before even the first Lord of Fire, a girl lived in one of the clans of Fire Nation's ancestors. She was unbelievably beautiful. Ivory skin, hair darker than a starless night, lips prettier than the petals of a fire lily. But especially enchanting were her eyes, which color was pure gold, shining as bright as the face of Agni himself. However, despite her amazing beauty, the girl had loving and humble soul, and more than anything in the world she valued her family. Her parents also treasured their daughter more than anything else. Many young men from all over the Fire Nation came to the girl's village to ask for her hand, but she refused to all of them. You see, the maiden was the only child of her elderly parents, and thus the only one who could rule their clan after their death. In those days, the Fire Nation did not yet recognize women, and if she married, she would have to leave her parents and clan. Leave everything that she loved so much behind._

_(Here his mother's voice quivered strangely and Zuko suddenly felt pang of sadness that he didn’t quite understand.)_

_With time rumors about the incredible beauty of the girl reached the farthest places, until they attracted even spirits. One Spirit, young for the world but already powerful, followed the rumors and appeared before girl. This Spirit was incredibly proud, he demanded from girl to immediately marry him, promising that he would even make her an immortal spirit just like himself, so that they could be together for eternity. But the girl, even if frightened by the terrible appearance of the spirit, still wished to stay with her beloved parents. So she bravely refused his proposal too. She apologized before Spirit, and said that she wasn't able to see her future with anyone but her parents and her people._

_It was a big mistake._

_The Spirit, furious at her refusal, cursed the girl. He laughed terrifyingly, sounding like the rumble of thunder, and promised that her beautiful eyes would really see the future soon. But she won't like it. And no matter how hard she will try to change it, no one will believe her._

_And so the curse fell on the beautiful girl. Her golden eyes started to now and then see not the kind faces of her elderly parents, not the respectful admiration of her people, and not the beauty of the meadows and fields around her village, but gloomy pictures of the future: the village was going to be attacked by enemies from other clans, the fields were burned and devastated, her parents died from disease and hunger, and her people got captured in slavery. But no matter how much she pleaded, how many people she warned, no one believed her. When rumors reached her ears that clans living around hers had heard of the heiress's illness, she realized that she had to do something, or all of her terrifying prophecies would come true while she will watch helplessly._

_The girl begged for mercy. Day and night, she prayed to the Spirit who cursed her to allow people to believe her words. She promised him everything she had and even more. She promised him her life. As soon as those words escaped her lips, the Spirit reappeared before her. He wiped away tears pouring fron her brilliant eyes almost gently, and said that he indeed could return the power of her words to the girl and even leave her prophetic eyes so that she will be able save her people. But she insulted him and was no longer worthy to become his bride. Instead, she would have to pay for his forgiveness with her suffering. From now on, for every vision she will have to pay with pain._

_Loving and kind, brave and selfless, the girl, whose golden eyes burned with courage and defiance, agreed._

_The Spirit returned the faith of other people to her, left her prophetic eyes and disappeared. The girl saved her people at the cost of cruel suffering, for each vision she paid in blood. But she was strong and brave, and until the very end of her life she played the role of the guardian of her clan._

_It would be a happy ending. But the Spirit, so proud and cruel, was also a liar. Even though he said that the girl wasn't worthy of him, he still desired her with all his being. He hoped that the girl would continue to beg for his help from time to time, until one day he, having played with her enough, will ask for marriage as final payback. However, the girl was able to live a honorable life without his help. And even on her deathbed, when he gave up and appeared in front of her himself, offering to return her youth and beauty and make her his wife, she just looked at him with her eyes still shining like the sun itself and refused. Burning with rage, in a fit of petty vengeance, the Spirit cursed her descendants._

_From that day on, all of her descendants who had her beautiful and always so full of determination and defiant golden eyes inherited her curse as well. All of them could see the future, but only at the cost of pain and suffering. However, just like her, many of them had truly stong heart, and curse of evil Spirit had no real power over them. Some of them made themself a sword out of it, using it to protect their loved ones, some chose to seal it, refusing to use its power and entertain despicable Spirit._

  
  
  
  


The mother continued to caress their hair even after she finished her story. Her gentle fingers carried affection and comfort, but Zuko hardly felt her touch. Lost in thoughts, he felt as if he was somewhere far from. The story lied as heavy burden in his mind, he felt that his mother had told it for a reason, but he was too scared to draw conclusions. He wanted to be distracted, so he whispered, "This it's just a story, right?"

"Of course not, dum-dum. Mother is trying to prepare you for the fact that your life will be full of pain and suffering." Azula snickered.

"Azula!" their mother sighed indignantly, but for a second she was silent, as if not knowing what to say, how to refute the terrible guess of his baby sister.

Feeling the tension that was starting to build up in his body, his mother gently cuped his cheek with her soft and warm palm.

  
  


"Listen, Zuko, my brave little son. No matter how terrible our misfortunes seem, only we ourselves have power over our fate. There might be someone to try to convince you otherwise, but no matter how much they persuade, lie or torment, the final decision belongs only to us. This girl's main strength wasn't her curse or beauty. It was her brave heart."

  
  
  
  


****

  
  
  
  


Zuko remembered his mother's story for a long time. Azula teased him by promising him a terrible life full of suffering, mocking him by the fact that, unlike the girl in history, he was absolutely useless.

"Maybe if you could see the future, our father would pay attention to you." His little sister laughed and then ran away to train with their father. Ever since it became clear that the little princess has an incredible talent in firebending, they started to spend a lot of time together. She also grew to be more and more violent.

Azula had always been different from Zuko, smart and cunning, she easily got bored in company of her mother and brother, both gentle in their nature. There were times when she used to entertain herself by pranking him. Recently, however, her jokes started to be way more cruel, and her pranks frustratingly violent and painful. In eyes that used to glitter with adorable mischief, now only burned cold contempt.

  
  


Zuko was beginning to fear his sister.

  
  
  
  


****

  
  
  
  


For several days before Lu Ten's death, Zuko suffered from a feeling of inexplicable pain. Something burned in his chest, but he didn't know why. His mother was close to despairing, not knowing which disease layed it's hand on her beloved son. 

Pain stopped, when Lu Ten died. And when the letter with horrific news came, there was only hollowness in his chest.

  
  


The day before his mother disappeared, he felt nothing.

  
  
  
  


****

  
  
  
  


The first time Zuko saw future was when he was ten years old, just a month after his mother disappeared.

  
  


It wasn't so much a vision as a sensation, a strong sense of pressure that something that was going to happen, almost an instinct. It happened during firebending spar with the students invited from the Royal boys' academy (invited, because Zuko wasn't a student himself. Father thought that he would only embarrass himself and royal family, and therefore Zuko only studied in palace with tutors, occasionally participating in spars with students, whose families taught them well to keep quiet about Crown Prince's pathetic bending)

Zuko was more or less close to victory (he actually frequently won when his opponent wasn't Azula. Not like his father cared about it though. Zuko was the Crown Prince, it was expected from him to not yield to anyone. And yet he still was pathetic enough to lose time from time), when his opponent - teenager couple of years older than Zuko, his peers' program way too easy to fight with him - seemed to have regained a second wind. Zuko had already defeated two students before, and even before this spent unholy amount of time practicing new katas, so he was on the verge of exhaustion when teenager began to press him. Zuko's muscles ached, he was slightly dizzy, and the sun just couldn't stop beaming right in his eyes, tired after repeating history until well into night. For one miserable second, he felt that he was going to lose.

But then something seemed to snap inside him, and Zuko just _knew_ where his opponent would hit, felt on which leg he would put his the weight, saw what form he would use. It felt like an epiphany.

And just like this, he managed to defeat his opponent in three accurate blows, as if anticipating his actions.

Everyone: the defeated teen, Master Gonjo, and even other boys he had fought with before, gaped at this.

  
  
  
  


****

  
  
  
  


So, Zuko indeed can see the future. Mom told him and Azula not just a strange old legend, after all.

The premonition helping him repeated himself several more times - usually when he was on the verge of collapsing from exhaustion - and Master Gonjo reported the strange coincidences to his father. For the first time in a long time, he was interested in his son and ordered to make a research. Royal historians have done a long and thorough work and found rare evidence of old cases when golden-eyed people experienced visions about future.

  
  


_(It's not like that really required such thorough investigations, a lot of old people who still remembered pre-war tales told to them by their own parents could tell stories about the unfortunate children of fate, whose golden eyes always predicted and maybe even attracted trouble and destruction, whose blood and tears paid for the survival of those who sought salvation from fate in their curse.)_

Royal historians weren't convinced that the stories of blood and suffering as a payback for the work of the "curse" were plausible, and cautiously suggested that perhaps it will be better if Fire Lord continue to trigger son's visions in the same way as before.

  
  


Ozai doubled Zuko's lessons.

  
  
  
  


Zuko felt disgusting, he was constantly pushed to his limits, but... it worked. The foreboding never left the boy now, he was constantly on guard, knowing with some part of his subconscious just how people around him would move, where they would hit, what face they would make, what they would say.

There was also a positive side. His firebending and fighting skills in general were now improving with incredible speed. If earlier he won 7 out of 10 sparring matches, now it was 10 out of 10.

The only one he still couldn't defeat was Azula.

The young prodigy may have sensed danger in how quickly Zuko improved, in how special he became for their father after discovering his curse, because for a while their fights stopped being a game of mockery, she stopped wasting time by humiliatung him or laughing, was no longer showing off during their matches. Now she watched him with tenacious eyes, focusing entirely on victory.

After some time Zuko guessed, that while he was trying to see her future actions, Azula, with her sharp cold mind, read him. And apparently she was good enough to overcome nonsense like spiritualistic curses.

Such a surprise, yes. Wow.

After a while, she got the hang of it enough to return her taunts and mockery and subtle insults in their spars, no longer seeing him as a threat.

  
  


Father was dissapointed.

  
  
  
  


****

  
  
  
  


Ozai was busy finishing burning his son's wrists (the usual punishment for them. And not too heavy, considering that burning a firebender was harder than normal people, and their burns also healed faster and easier. Which also meant that for punishment to happen it was necessary to burn longer, but it was a detail that very few was willing to focuse on), when the boy screamed (usually he only whimpered softly) and passed out.

Ozai would have left him lying down as punishment for weakness, but something in his head clicked as he looked at his son's unconscious face. At golden irises shining fevereshly under half-closed eyelids. Prince Zuko looked like he was seeing the hell itself.

Ozai called servants.

Half an hour later, Prince Zuko regained consciousness, and in a voice shaking with sobs, spoke of the fire raging in Saito province. If asked, his history mentor would have said the prince was just too tired and simply had a nightmare about the province they were exploring this very morning, before the boy went off to practice the firebending. His physician would probably have thought the same and prescribed a sedative and rest for him. Yes, that's how it all would ended if it hadn't been for the order of the Fire Lord to report anything that prince said.

After briefly listening to about his son's "nightmare", Ozai came to visit his son personally.

Looking frightened, but at the same time timidly happy with unexpected care, the boy in details recounted his dream to his father. He told him everything about how a bandit group who called themselves Sarukami had started up in the Saito province, and how they, while robbing city's market, would accidentally set it on fire; how in dry summer weather the fire will spread throughout the city, devouring houses, fields and even forests. How hundreds of people will die a terrible death, because the most of their firebenders capable of extinguishing the fire aren't present, all gone to the war.

  
  


Ozay hummed.

Four days later, no one was sent to stop the robbery of the central market in Saito. Thouhg all firebenders of the surroundings areas were ordered to gather within it's quarter. When the fire started, they were here to put it out. The people were so happy to escape the worst, that the sixteen dead were mourned only by their families.

Nobody knew how the firebenders knew that there would be a fire. Nobody would dare to ask.

  
  
  
  
  
  


But right before all this, after his very first vision, the young prince was allowed one day of rest. He spent it in his chambers, where, refusing to talk to anyone, drink or eat, he covered himself under his sheets and blankets and cried quietly in his bed. The picture of people burning alive refused to disappear from his head, he felt really sick.

Zuko really wanted everything to stop. He wanted normal eyes. He wanted his father to look at him with love and not predatory interest. He wanted his mother to come back.

In the evening, someone slipped into his chambers. He was laying with his back to the visitor and didn't show that he wasn't sleeping, instead he opened his eyes very slightly, just enough to make out the shadow of his sister falling on the wall opposing entrance. He immediately closed his eyes and tensed, expecting another batch of mockery, this time about how pathetic Zuko was, to let a small punishment from his father and the death of some commoners brought him to the state of sobbing mess. 

That didn't happen.

Azula stayed near his bed for a couple of really long minutes, her quiet and calm breath the only indicator that she was still here. She stayed and then she left, all without saying a single word.

  
  
  
  


****

  
  
  
  


When evidence that Zuko's visions were brighter, better, longer, and _more accurate with_ pain rather than fatigue finally occured, his studying schedule changed once more.

Now, twice a week, after his exhausting studies, Prince Zuko was escorted to the little room in distant wing of the palace, where even servants couldn't overhear or find out anything. There the royal guards, handpicked by the Fire Lord himself, burned young prince's thin wrists, his forearms and ankles. The result was minor but painful burns. The very process of making them also was deeply unpleasant, it usually took a lot of time since although the prince was young and lagged far behind in abilities from his sister, father or uncle and cousin, he was still a royal firebender. His skin didn't burn easily.

At first, those burning sessions resulted in scattered, incomprehensible visions. However, gradually, Ozai figured out some kind of system by which the boy saw the future.

Focusing on certain things before inflicting pain, made it very likely that visions after it would be about those things. Make the boy think about some province for an hour, burn him, and his vision will relate to it. Show him the portrait of the battalion commander, burn him, and he will tell them if commander will survive tomorrow's battle (after puking out his guts). Show him the map of the Earth Kingdom, and he will tell you on which corner of it the enemy ambush is waiting for your troops.

The boy, so useless since his very birth, has suddenly turned into incredibly useful tool. With eyes burning with rabbitdog-like devotion, the boy swallowed his sobs and groans of pain, and talked, talked, talked.

His visions were still vague in details, limited in time and unclear in the date (the latter, however, thanks to throughout experiments was cleared out. The prince couldn't see anything further than a month), but Ozai intended to squeeze every possibilty out of such an unexpected gift of fate nonetheless.

Thus, prince's lesson schedule has been redone once again. The firebending hours had been cut to the shortest since the boy summoned his first flames. Ozai no longer cared about boy being terrible firebender. After all, now his death wasn't awaiting for him on the battlefield.

In place of firebending lessons, was put intense studies in geography, social studies (for the first time in the last 60 years, member of the Royal family studied traditions of the other nations), botany, zoology, fast deductioning - everything that could help identify places, people and time from his visions.

The young prince hadn't been feeling very well for a very long time.

  
  
  
  


****

  
  
  
  


One night he makes up his mind and burns his thigh as hard as he can.

  
  


Servants find him in the early morning, half-delirious and crying. Everyone thinks it’s because of pain. Servants and guards feel sorry for him, he can see it in their eyes. Azula's eyes are distant and cold. Father doesn't even look at him, only slightly curls his lips in contempt. Father doesn't cancel his _sessions_ , and Zuko meekly lets guards burn him, even though his leg already throbbing in pain more than enough.

  
  
  


No one knows that Zuko didn't cry because of pain.

Zuko was crying, because before burning himself he was thinking about his mother, but saw nothing after.

Nothing.

  
  
  
  


****

  
  
  
  


When Uncle Iroh returned from his spiritistic journey, Zuko was happy.

It was selfish happiness, because Zuko shouldn't be overjoyed by the sight of his suddenly aged, gray-haired and absent-minded _(grieving)_ uncle. Zuko shouldn't have felt so _glad_ that with his return, noon visits, peaceful hours of sipping delicious tea and games of Pai Sho which he had never ever won, returned too. He shouldn't enjoy such hours, full of laziness and selfishly leaching sense of peacefulness out from his poor old uncle like some disgusting parasite.

But Zuko was a disgusting person, and an even worse prince, so he was happy.

(And when Uncle was glancing over the long sleeves that he wore in any weather, over his pale face and black circles under the eyes, over sunken cheeks of his still gentle childish face, over everything that the Crown Prince of world's greatest nation shouldn't have had, but had, and never said anything, just smiled sadly while pouring him a new cup of tea, Zuko was happy too. He was grateful for his uncle's sense of tact. He wasn't sad. He wasn't.)

  
  
  
  


****

  
  
  
  


It was two years of quiet tears into the pillow, aching small burns under his clothes, that don't have time to disappear before new ones will cover his skin, endless hours of studying and countless words, hundreds saved lives and thousands of enemies deaths, and, most importantly, a handful of his father's approving smiles, before Zuko ruined everything.

Everything.

He persuaded his uncle (now more cheerful, looking almost like himself again) to take him to the war meeting. He ignored familiar pounding migraine in his temples, ignored burning pain on his shoulders - the burns on his forearms lately started to take longer to heal than usual, and his session's guards (torturers) had to switch to new places - ignored dizziness from a sleepless night.

Zuko ignored it until he couldn't anymore.

General Anno told about his disgusting plan with a pleased grin, and, suddenly, Zuko couldn't breathe. His eyes were no longer seeing the gloomy room of war meeting, but the battlefield. A familiar, but every time still shocking picture painted with violence, blood and tears. The smell of burnt flesh and metal hit his nose, his gaze fell on the mutilated bodies, smashed by a ruthless stone into mess of blood and meat. The ground was soaked in blood and ash and vomit, and Zuko's stomach curls up tight at the sight and smell. He doesn't know where to look, he wants to close his eyes, but he can't. Never ever he could close his eyes during a vision. Finally, his terrified gaze falls on a face — young girl, Agni, she is hardly older than Zuko himself — or rather, on it's remains, her left eye pierced by a well-shot stone not bigger than Zuko's fist, her brain splashed all over her pale face, and light amber right eye looks unseeingly into the sky—

  
  
  


Zuko screams.

He screams in horror. He shouts at the general. He screams at the servants who gasped in shock when they looked at his scarred body, while giving him a garmet for Agni Kai.

Zuko screams, a second after his father gently cups his cheeks, because he knows — he _sees_ what will happen next.

He chokes down, sobing, when his father's strong warm hand holds him in place by the shoulder, while the other — terribly, terrifyingly blazing hot, Agni, father, _why_ — lies on his face.

  
  


Burning it.

  
  


Destroying it.

  
  
  


Branding it.

  
  


For a couple of long, infinitely long seconds, nothing but pain exists in the world, and then Zuko screams once again again.

Visions flash before him about a boy, a child, who must save the world— a girl whose eyes filled with power that Zuko never had— a young warrior who has nothing but his mind and heart, and somehow that's enough— a little girl who is bigger than mountains— a girl who painted her face with war, but still able to smile so gently it hurts— about the moon, about minds bending under the lights beneath both water and earth, about lightening cutting through the cold darkness, about flames, shining and bright, warm and great, but never bringing any pain, so different from the ones that was on his face just a second ago—

  
  


Zuko screams and screams and _screams_.

  
  
  
  


****

  
  
  
  


_The Avatar is alive_ , Prince Zuko whispers, as the Fire Lord Ozai finally removes hand from his disfigured, half-melted face.

  
  
  
  


****

  
  
  
  


_The Avatar is alive_ , Prince Zuko whispers as the royal doctors desperately treat his wound.

  
  
  
  


****

  
  
  
  


_The Avatar is alive and he will come here_ , groans delirious and feverish from infection Prince Zuko when he gets transported from infirmary to underground cell. When sorrowful whispers about deceased crown prince starts on the streets of Fire Nation. When Fire Lord Ozai paces in front of his cell bars, waiting for his awakening, any satisfaction of depriving his too weak offspring from the title of the crown prince long gone.

  
  
  
  


****

  
  
  
  


"The Avatar is alive?" gasped Prince Zuko, when the man who put him in his sickbed bends over him, waiting for answers and geting nothing.

  
  
  
  


****

  
  
  
  
  


After a month of non-stop torture, it becomes clear that the vision of the Avatar won't be repeated. They didn't touch his face, fearing of the risk of face wounds getting an infection and it's spreading to his remained eye, blinding it and removing his curse. They didn’t mutilate his body too much too. Maybe out of some perverse pleasure of prolong suffering of their victim. Or perhaps they feared that after losing his limbs, he would commit suicide. Or both.

A month later, spent on healing the wounds that began to threaten his life, the torture resumed. He is no longer asked about the Avatar, only about Earth Kingdom army movements, about the loyalty of the Fire Nation nobles and peasants, about the loyalty of his uncle (Zuko didn't want to see anything even hinting at his uncle’s disloyalty, and probably this is the only mercy that spirits eved allowed him. Or Uncle Iroh really is loyal to father. This thought makes him sick. This is a very treasonous feeling.)

Then he again given a month to rest and heal.

And then another one goes full of tortures and pain.

Once a month he is allowed to spend one day and night in the upper levels of the prison of Caldera. They lock him in cells that have windows and Zuko spends the whole time plastering himself to small square of light falling through them. His inner flame eats at the sun warmth with savage hunger, panting with despair.

"Your punishment will end when I decide that you have done enough for the glory of our Nation." Father responds to his pleas for ending this, looking distant and indifferent.

  
  


Zuko was constantly cold and in pain and scared, so very scared.

  
  
  


After half a year spent in meditation and frightened stupor in face of even the tiniest sparks, Zuko began training again. He can't really firebend, not so far from the sun, not after his father—

He just can't do it. Yet. But he can practice kata, he thinks. And swordfighting. Even if his swords are imaginary.

It eases his mind just a tiny bit.

His inner fire that otherwise flashes constantly in anxiety becomes a little more stable too at such moments.

  
  
  


They noticed what he was doing at the end of the first year. His ration got cut.

He continued a month later, after getting used to diminished food and energy. This time he tries to be even quieter. He was always good at being quiet and invisible, and maybe it have been just a little bit more difficult to do it in the cell, but for a while he managed.

  
  
  


They noticed again nine months after. They stopped giving him his month to rest and heal. His portion is cut to the minimum necessary for survival. Memories of satiety feels like a distant dream. His whole life before Agni Kai feels like one.

  
  
  


At some point, Zuko realizes that he no longer wants father to forgive him. He realizes, with cold and somehow distant clarity, that it's impossible, always been. Zuko will never do enough. _Zuko_ will never _be_ enough.

  
  
  
  
  


****

  
  
  
  
  
  


He just wanted pain to stop.

  
  
  
  
  


****

  
  
  
  


Sometimes Zuko hurts himself. He scratched his skin, which was already always covered with bruises and burned half-healed wounds to make them even more painful, and thinks. Doing this, he thinks about the mother, her gentle face and hands; about Azula, who was left all alone with their father; thinks of his father, hoping to see the death of the man at the hands of World's spirit; thinks of Uncle, somberly crushing any flickers of hope that, _maybe_ one day he would come to save him. Zuko thinks and thinks, and sees nothing but thick darkness. 

And what does it even means, he wondered. That he can't see the future of his own family? But the girl from the legend could. Was Zuko _that_ pathetic? So weak that even his curse doesn't work properly, useless for what he cares about the most?

  
  
  


Zuko never tries to see his own future. If he... if all of this pain destined to actually be endless, he will lose his mind.

  
  
  


****

  
  
  


About three years after his imprisonment (Zuko doesn't know for sure, the days have merged into an endless mud of suffering for a longer than he can remember), something changed.

Father appeared in his cell for the first time in a long while. His eyes, always so cold and full of disdain, burned with rage. He walked in front of horrified Zuko with the fluid grace of a predator preparing to tear apart his prey.

_The Avatar is alive, Zuko was right._

_The World's spirit lurks under the child's skin, but it was smart enough to slip out of their hands._

_He is ready to forgive Zuko, give him a **real** chance to prove himself. An actual condition for his return to the world of the living. **Salvation** from all the pain._

_All he needs to do is help catch the Avatar._

  
  
  


And Zuko knows he shouldn't do this. The Avatar is kind and noble and painfully _young_ and he will save the world from a war that tears it apart, that tears Zuko's heart apart every single time he peeps into the future.

  
  


But then, who will save _Zuko_?

  
  


He just...

  
  


He's so tired.

  
  
  
  


****

  
  
  
  


They tortured him harder than ever. He wasn't allowed to sleep more than a couple of hours, constantly awakened by cold water and heavy punches, and given even less food than usual. Drugs gets poured into his water, the ones from which he screams, tearing his throat til bloody cough, shaken from nauseously realistic horrifying hallucinations and pain setting his whole body on fire, twisting his insides. They dislocated his joints, broke his fingers and wrists, burned skin, rip off the half-healed crusts on his wounds and poured them with salt water.

All for the sake of him seeing clear picture, for the sake of words that he can hear as if they were spoken to him, for the sake of dates he will name accurate to the day.

Zuko withered away in agony as predictions of incredible precision bursted from his long damaged by screeming throat along with the screams and sobbing. (Only once he did manage to restore a tiniest grain of his honor, when father taunted him with image of the burned corpse of his mother on steps of the throne, right under Ozai's feet. Zuko collected the last remnants of his will then and stayed silent. The avatar didn't get captured in the Pohuai stronghold.)

  
  
  
  
  


At some point, the hands of two out of the four his torturers began to tremble.

  
  
  
  


"The Avatar is desperate." His father smiled as he watched Zuko (he visited him almost every day now). "The boy doesn't have even a minute to breath."

_You are doing your work quite well._

  
  
  
  
  
  


At this point, Zuko just wants to die.

  
  
  
  


****

  
  
  
  


Something in him deteriorated, collapsed, broke and rot. They tormented his flesh with all the same incessantly, relentlessly (although now already three of them have their hands shaking) cruelty, but Zuko just... can't... anything?

  
  


His remaining eye that until the very last days, despite the eternal semi-darkness of his cell, shone as if there was a ray of sunshine, trapped into precious stone of his iris, was dull now.

Zuko's visions started to be crumbly, fuzzy at the corners and essentially useless. He started seeing random things again, not just the Avatar and his companions. He sees backs bent in fear and humiliation, dying fields and burning forests and sometimes the walls of the Impenetrable City behind which something growls and rumbles ominously. He looks at his torturers and sees their aged faces, small children hands in theirs, stained with Zuko's blood, the kind smiles of their wives, slightly trembling with fear when they share hints about their work. Never mentioning Zuko, never specifying what _it is_ that they do for their job. And Zuko is still too afraid to hate or be angry with his father, but he them he despises with all might of one who can experience feeling this dark and suffocating.

  
  
  


He still clung with his weak, many times broken fingers to the sleeve of one of his tormentors, the only one whose hands always remained calm and confident, never hesitating, never shaking. Whose indifferent eyes probably didn't saw Zuko as a person at all.

Zuko told the man not to let his only daughter go alone to the october Festival of Golden Leaves because _that was right thing to do_.

  
  
  
  


****

  
  
  
  


Zuko sealed his lips once more and the Avatar escaped Crescent Island to the North Pole and Fire Lord Ozai was enraged. 

Zhao got promotion to go and wrench the Avatar out of there, since Zuko was so useless, he was told.

  
  
  


A month later, the moon turns red and just a moment after _goes out_ , Zuko's eyes see nothing but black, and this is the worst thing that anyone did with him.

For a couple of long, terrifying minutes the only thing that he could feel was himself drowning, the whole Agniforsaken world drowning in cold cold water.

And then the moon returned, the Avatar destroyed their Nation's entire northern fleet, and that was Zuko's fault. Useless, blind to his own curse Zuko.

  
  
  


Ozai ordered his limbs to be burned off as a punishment. He probably doesn't see any use in him anymore. Zuko can understand. (Somewhere deep inside Zuko there is still a tiny part of him that wants to live. It drowns slowly in sheer relief from closeness of the end. Because he sure won't be able to survive this, not exhausted like that, right?)

  
  
  
  


The day before the execution of the order, a man whose hands have never ever trembled in his life, nervously scrawls uneven lines on a piece of parchment - a letter to the old Dragon.

  
  
  
  


****

  
  
  
  


Iroh had never experienced such happiness and fear as when he read a piece of parchment with couple of scrawled in clear haste lines, handed to him by a gray haired maid, whose face he didn't even remembered, but for whose loyalty he would thankfully pray for the rest of his life. His nephew was alive, not somewhere far far away with his cousin, not buried underground or in the sea depths, or scattered in the wind. He was alive, **alive!**

  
  
  
  


Iroh cried when he saw the boy: a broken doll, a near tralslucent ghost of a child that he couldn't save. That he didn't save.

He took him in his arms, as gently as he could, his heart wrenching and bleeding at the sight of tiny limp form. Was there even anything left to save? Porcelain, shattered into the smallest grains of sand, can't be glued back together with any gold. The heart of the old Dragon, tempered by countless battles, by the loss of his beloved wife and the son who was his whole world, broke when he looked at the destroyed child in his arms, the one whom he took under his wing as his own son, but didn't protect. 

  
  
  
  


And then Zuko tensed in his arms, weak and weightless as a swallow-dove's feather.

He opened his good eye, which, instead of shining a radiant golden, gleams dully behind dense fog of pain and exhaustion. And despite all the suffering, despite all his betrayal and mistakes, the boy recognized Iroh.

His voice sounded scratchy and light like the rustling of sand, destroyed by unbearable agony.

"Uncle? You came... This is the best dream I can remember."

Iroh's eyes were foggy with tears and he could barely see his child's face. The face of the boy who managed to save himself long enough to wait for his useless father to come for him.

"I'm here, Zuko. I really am. This is not a dream."

"Not a dream?" the boy breathed out, sounding small and uncertain. There was confusion and fear and sadness in his voice. Iroh's heart broke once more.

"It's not. Zuko, I promise to you. That's why," he started and choked on the sob that he didn't have enough strength to trap. "That's why you shouldn't be afraid to wake up."

"But I'm so tired." Zuko whispered and Iroh could hear tears in his voice.

"I know you are. I know and I'm so very sorry." He started to cry freely at this point. His tears dropped down to his child's deathly pale face, tainting him with Iroh's shame and guilt.

Zuko closed his eyes tiredly for a second and Iroh’s heart contracted with fear that he won't ever open them again. That he will fall asleep forever, because Iroh was late, so close and still so terribly late. _(Again.)_

But then Zuko slowly opened his eyes, and although they had been reflecting weariness, so ancient and exhausted that even the Great Spirits would look away, ashamed, a tiny spark burned in the dull gold.

  
  


"It's okay. You came." whispered Prince Zuko, sinking closer into Iroh's embrace. "You came after me, and I won't give up without a fight."

  
  
  
  
  


****

  
  
  
  


Three months later, before Avatar Aang and his friends could walk to the passport lady and get their ferry tickets to the Impenetrable City, a boy stood up in front of them, his steps silent like a spirit's. There is a dual dao behind his back, a terrible scar on his face, and a fire, burning brighter than the sun itself, in his unnaturally gold eyes.

"Greetings, Avatar. I hope you believe in destiny."

  
  
  
  
  
  
  



	2. Interlude: Forging broken blades

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A short interlude revealing the events of the first month since Iroh's rescue of Zuko.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Warnings: implied\referenced tortures, implied suicidal thoughts (at least from an observer's point of view). Some more warnings in the sevond note
> 
> Please feel free to correct mistakes in text!

Prince Zuko was very quiet.

  
  


Yes, Piandao would be lying if he said that the seven-year-old Prince Zuko, who he used to teach the art of the sword, was a loud kid. The boy was a nervous and shy child, very little inclined to communicate or complain about anything, which to be honest surprised him at the time. Rumors about Prince Ozai's temper and a long chain of constantly fired and hired tutors from all over the Fire Nation that both of his children went through, made him expect a much more problematic pupil.

But If anything surprised him after all, it was the prince's almost unhealthy zeal for constant work, and his barely contained frustration with his own failures. Despite his obvious talent for swordfighting, the boy treated his slightest failures with ferocious self-deprecation and persistent repetition of failed exercise until he could perform it perfectly. In the first days of their studies, he seemed to constantly expect some kind of punishment from Piandao, but after realizing that he would't do this, took the matter into his own hands. In sedentary classes like calligraphy, he was just a little bit calmer and more relaxed, maybe not so frightened too, but still quite nervous and restless. Still very quiet. However it always was a bubbling, barely contained silence. Seven-year-old Prince Zuko, who studied with Piandao, was full of nervous energy and ill-concealed passion, a small flame dancing while encased in a glass jar.

  
  
  


Sixteen-year-old Prince Zuko, lying in the distant chambers of Piandao's house, was deathly quiet. Something was broken in the boy, broken violently, by cruel heartless hands. His small form laid motionless and powerless in his sickbed, small light suddenly blown out and smoldering now in tiny sparks.

Iroh spent his days at the boy's bedside, whispering in quiet, but encouraging tone meaningless stories about the past, plans for the future and apologies, so many apologies. Sometimes he was silent too, and just sat helding boy's hand in his own. The prince's hands seemed even smaller in the wide palms of the man, always looking cold and limp, they were thin and crooked, clearly broken many times. These were not the hands of a child.

There was heartbreakingly little left of the child in Prince Zuko.

  
  
  


In the early days of all this, after Iroh knocked on the door of his house with despair on his face and tiny body in his hands, Piandao wasn't sure if Zuko would survive at all. It was hard, three years after supposed demise of his student, to prepare himself again for the thought, knowing that this time he really would be gone. But as hard as this was, Piandao still remembered that there was a days, when he wasn't only a teacher, but also a soldier. And this soldier in Piandao bowed his head mournfully as he gazed at the young boy burning himself out in fever.

However, Iroh, who was once a general, was now only a father. And he clung to his child's life with the desperate tenacity of a Dragon, and refused to let go. Eventually, together they managed to nurse Prince Zuko until his fever broke down. 

From then on, the boy was slowly recovering in body, only to fade in spirit.

  
  


Healer Pana of the Northern Water Tribe, who one day had arrived to Piandao's house in secret to heal the boy's worst wounds, only shook her head in response to their fears. 

"The wounds on his body, no matter how terrible they were, are much easier to heal than those that remained on his spirit." She wasn't quite old, but in her eyes he saw the wisdom of the one who had lost many lives in her hands and saved even more.

"Children are really strong these days, much more than we have ever been. The best we can do is believe in them." She said, and smiled, with smile small and barely there at all, but still fond. Piandao remembered all the news about the child-Avatar, and his equally young companions, remembered how Iroh for a moment looked like the old cunning general he once was, when he saw Piandao's surprise when he looked at the _woman_ of a tribe that had long refused to deal with the outside world, standing at the gate of his house in the night and ready to help. The world, indeed, was changing.

And all Pandao could hope for was that in this new world there would be a place for Prince Zuko, too.

  
  
  


****

  
  
  
  


Zuko sat on the deck with his back resting on the railing, listening to the quiet splashing of waves overboard and not thinking about anything. More precisely, trying not to think about anything. In his hands were paired dao from master Piandao, an unexpected gift from a man who had already given him too much.

  
  


“Take them, my prince,” said the great master, smiling sadly. "I know that you would have liked to forge your own swords, but time is running out and I don't want for you leave without a gift. Please, consider this as a pledge so that we will meet again. So that the next time, I could help you with forging new ones."

And Zuko, bewildered by the firm persistence in his eyes, took them, daring neither to refuse swords, nor to say that he wasn't a prince anymore.

  
  
  


The steel of the expertly forged blades was pleasantly cool under his fingers, feeling nothing like the numbing chill of handcuffs in his underground cell. With some kind of seventh sense, Zuko felt that if those blades happened to be tainted by blood, they would become warm. 

Handcuffs never did.

  
  
  


"Prince Zuko," Uncle's cautious voice greeted him. He looked up to see the man standing right above him, concern clear in his eyes. Zuko didn't hear him coming at all.

"May I sit here?" asked Uncle gently, gesturing to the floor near Zuko. This was all how he addressed to him this days: gently.

(Sometimes it annoyed Zuko. Sometimes he was grateful. Always he was too scared to say anything about it. Such a weakling he was now.)

Zuko nodded. He didn't want to speak. For many, many days, talking was the only thing he could do - even if he never wanted to - and he was tired of it.

(He also just hated his voice. Broken after hours and hours of screams and hysterical whispers of prophecy that burned his lips with the poison of betrayal. Memories _boiled_ in his head every time he heard it.)

Uncle sat down heavily next to him. They were silent for a while, just sitting and listening to the waves overboard. The sea was gaining strength, hitting the ship harder and harder. Perhaps, there will be a storm soon. 

  
  


Zuko allowed himself to close eyes.

  
  
  
  


****

  
  
  
  


On the ship, Zuko became both quieter and louder at the same time. His presence that had almost died out in the Piandao's house, was now quite evident. The boy began to move around and do something by himself, without any urging from Iroh. The problem was that all he did was escaping to various corners of the ship and spending there time all alone. It had been four days since their boarding on the ship, and Iroh only seen Zuko a handful of times. Much less talked with him. 

The boy was painfully quiet.

There was something lost in the way he hold himself. His golden eyes often grew cold and distant, as if seeing in front of them not a ship and it's crew, not the sea and it's waves, and not Iroh and his concerned bustling, but something completely different. As if Zuko himself was somewhere else.

Iroh knew that look.

(He even had the same, once.)

  
  
  


So when on their fifth night on the ship he went up on deck and saw Zuko's thin figure almost hanging over the railing, his heart sank.

"Prince Zuko!" He roared and lunged forward, arm outstretched and blood pounding frightenedly at his temples.

Zuko, hearing his scream, shuddered and bounced off the rail, toward the safety of the deck. The sheer relief of that would have been enough to stop Iroh's heart once more, but he nevertheless approached the boy as quickly as possible, arms outstrecthed in soothing gesture. Zuko watched him approaching with poorly hidden fear on his pale face.

  
  


"Prince Zuko." He croaked, throat suddenly dry. "Could you come to me, please?"

The boy flinched. Hard. 

Iroh felt the urge to cry. But before he could say anything else, something soothing and soft and comforting... anything, Zuko went to him. His steps were light, head lowered in submission, and body tense, as if ready to run away at any moment.

When he got close enough, Iroh barely resisted the urge to grab him and not let go anytime soon, and instead only carefully reached out to place his hand on the boy's boney shoulder. Zuko trembled a little anyway. Iroh's eyes stinged with the heat of suppressed tears.

Again, before he could say anything, Zuko lifted his head. He stared intently at Iroh. Defiant shone in his golden eyes.

  
  


"I wasn't going to jump." There was a burning conviction in his voice. Iroh faintly thought, that it was the most alive he saw Zuko being in this long, long month.

“Oh,” he said.

He didn't know what else to say here.

"I was not." Zuko repeated, apparently not convinced that Iroh believed him. (Iroh himself wasn't sure if he believed him). Under any other circumstance, Iroh would have cried with joy seeing such a familiar look of stubbornness on his child's face. Now he was just scared. So scared.

"I believe you." Iroh said, still not knowing if he was telling the truth. "I just... I'm just so old, Prince Zuko, and you are so young and still not fully recovered from your injuries. What if an some stray wave would shook the ship too hard and you fell overboard?.." he chocked suddenly, not having strength to continue. He took a deep breath and told, straining his voice to convey his feelings. His terror. "You scared me."

  
  


Something changed in the boy's eyes after these words. The burning defiance went out, replaced by sadness and pain. He shook his head and took a step forward, standing now so close to him, that Iroh could have wrapped his arms around him without even moving.

He did. 

  
  


Carefully and slowly Iroh embraced him. Zuko was tense at first, but relaxed almost instantly. He was thin and very, very small. Despite even that they were actually close in height, with Zuko's head reaching just above his chin. He was small in the way all hurt children always are.

"I would never jump, Uncle. Not after everything you've done for me." Zuko said, and shook slightly, as if from cold. Iroh knew that the cold had nothing to do with it. He held on boy tighter. "So... So you have nothing to fear. I _won't_ give up."

“Okay,” Iroh whispered. "Okay."

Zuko exhaled shakily.

"I was just thinking. And waves looked soothing. I wouldn't jump." The boy shivered harder, his voice thick and hoarse. "I... I just don't know what I need to do from now on, Uncle. So I was thinking about it. That's all."

"I believe you." Iroh whispered again. "I do."

  
  


Zuko tensed. He pulled away from Iroh, eyes fixed on his face. They was bloodshot, but dry. He didn't cry ever since Iroh took him back. Iroh didn't know for how long he has been this way. Didn't know if this child could even cry anymore or all his tears dried away a long time ago.

“Okay.” Zuko said, sounding small. His voice was raw and pained, face contorted by emotions that Iroh couldn't quite read, there was too many of them.

“Let's go downstairs,” Iroh said, just to say something. "You must be cold. It's windy today."

Zuko nodded.

Iroh wrapped his arm around Zuko's shoulders and, to his relief, the boy didn't flinch away. He never did it with him.

  
  


And Iroh was so, so _grateful_ for this, even if he wasn't sure that he deserved such trust.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This was quite short chapter, huh. I hope it reads okay, I'm actually have a bit of struggle with writing dialogues in general.
> 
> Warning, that I wasn't sure about adding at the beginning notes, is implied/referenced self-harm, because it's reeeally tiny hint there, and it was in Iroh's part which is from his PoV and he didn't notice anything, too scared about whole jumping thing. It's just that some readers might remember, what Zuko usually does, when he is _thinking_ about things.  
> And did Zuko really thought about suicide? Boy promised to not give up to his Uncle in first chapter and we know how Zuko can be about his promises. I would say, that he probably might have _feel_ some urge on subsconscious level, but didn't realise it fully.
> 
> Anyway. I know that most of you guys were excited to read about gaang, and honestly I'm shaking to write about them too! I just felt that we really needed some bridge to prepare for shifting tones that will be after first chapter's all tragic air to the future stuff, and also some Iroh&Zuko interaction, so this interlude basically wrote itself. There will probably be more of them every per 3-4 chapter until I will cover all 3 month of Zuko's life before meeting with gaang. 
> 
> About chapter:  
> I believe that Piandao actually quite younger than other White Lotus members (I mean, look at him), so Iroh can still confuse him sometimes. I hope he didn't come out as too naive, I might have trouble with writing wise mentors lmao (same issue with Iroh).
> 
> Pana is real inuit name, which translates as "God who cares for the souls in the underworld before their reincarnation". It's actually for boys, but it just fitted so well, I couldn't resist! She is a cool old lady-now-also-white-lotus-member who loves being healer and perfectly content with it, but still grateful to Katara for kicking sexist asses!  
> Souce for name: https://www.momjunction.com/baby-names/inuit/
> 
> Well, I guess that's all. This note is almost as big as chapter itself, lmao.
> 
> P. S. Thank you all for so many kudos (I couldn't believe my eyes, honestly!) and your beautiful comments! I'm really grateful, you all are awesome!
> 
> In next chapter we will finally have gaang!


	3. The Serpent's Pass (part 1)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which the Gaang reacts and thinks a lot, but besides this nothing actually happens.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So, I wrote this **gigantic** 14k word chapter, but due to my friend's advise ended up splitting it in half, to keep your heads from hurting. I really hope that size didn't worsened quality tho *hello, anxiety*  
> I also want to ask you for the future, should I continue to divide large chapters, or it's okay to post them in one piece?
> 
> Warnings: Zuko gets triggered over literally everything, small mental breakdown, implied eating disorder, all these kids need a hug asap, a few f-bombs, because kids don't fight in underground championships without learning how to swear as a result
> 
> Also my dialogues can be a warning in their own right, ugh, I tried really hard but it feels like I don't understand people talking at all, lmao.
> 
> Jin is a metric unit used in chinese measurement of weight. 1 jin = 500 grams

Sokka knew that he wasn't the best warrior among his friends and it was the fact that he had come to terms with for quite some time already, although still refused to admit. But if they were to name roles each had in the team, then he, without a doubt, would take the title of a reasonable one. And precisely because he was a reasonable, normal person, he wasn't exactly accustomed to noticing from a distance some creepy, suddenly appearing out of the thin air, children.

Sokka flinched.

The kid flinched too.

Great start, yeah. 

  
  
  


"What?" Aang responded after a beat, sounding frankly confused.

Sokka rolled his eyes and glanced briefly at Toph and his baby sister. Both were a bit tense, looking just as confused as Aang, but nothing more. Apparently, Sokka was the only one who was really worried (not spooked by, no) about some random kid sneaking up on them. Does it mean that he is paranoid, or does it mean that he is just the only one to have enough common sense not to relax in front of strange outsiders?

Even if they are literal children.

But hey, literal children can be damn dangerous too! Toph and Aang know that for sure.

Frightened by Sokka's fright, the kid, to his credit, recovered pretty quickly. He relaxed from his half-combat-half-ready-to-run-right-now stance and bowed. (His posture was quite tense, and looking at the rigid line of his back, Sokka even felt a pang of empathetic pain in his own.) Then the boy straightened up and said, “I believe that I'm destined to join your cause, Avatar. Please, let me do this. I promise you will not regret your decision."

And he bowed again. Deep. And, whoa, those were pretty big words for a kid who was... what, twelve? Thirteen years old? On closer inspection, Sokka mused, the kid seemed to be slightly taller than Aang, but was definitely shorter than Katara. His voice was really rough too, hoarse almost, so he probably already started hitting puberty. Everything about him, from the black and brown clothes that were obviously too big for him, to the covering him thick layer of desert dust, screamed: a refugee. And his scar was the loudest one, of course.

Huge on his starveling and pale even under all mud on it face, the scar was so disturbing that it literally pulled Sokka's gaze to itself, distracting from the rest of kid's face. Sokka suddenly felt uneasy. The kid looked young. His scar looked old, but was also serious enough that it's mutilated flesh was still bright red color and seemingly painfull to touch. Whoever did this to him had to be a real monster.

  
  
  


"Um..." Aang began hesitantly, then paused awkwardly and turned to face Sokka. His gaze screamed, _help me_.

But Sokka honestly didn't know what to answer. People never approached them like this. They asked for help, sometimes temporary teamed up with them, even outright used them. 

(He was still so, so angry with Fong. Katara's frightened voice ringing in his ears every time he thought of that bastard, Sokka just being stuck, doing nothing but wishing desperately to get out and beat him bloody—)

Sokka carefully inhaled and exhaled, like Gran-Gran taught him and Katara, when they were still little and hurt. 

The pain didn't disappear (it never does), just curled up as always somewhere in the aching emptiness of the very depths of his heart, but Sokka took a hold on himself. Which was already something.

So. 

No one has yet asked for letting join them. Surely, there has to be a catch. 

And the kid _was_ a bit weird and creepy (Sokka didn't notice him until he spoke, and he was literally standing right in front of them, wasn't that really weird?). But he was also small and just a minute ago clearly afraid of Sokka. Sokka! In any other situation, he probably would have been flattered. Now it was just sad.

  
  
  


Anyway, Sokka was the oldest. The sensible one. Therefore, if someone has to make decision that others can't, it must be him.

Even if this is saying _no_ to an seemingly desperate teenage-fighter against the Fire Nation. And, whoa again, how did he not notice this before? The kid had two swords behind his back!

What is it even? Does Jet reproduce by budding, or is it just common for Earth Kingdom orphans to grow into homicidal avengers? Actually, no, forget it. He doesn't want to know answer.

  
  


However, before Sokka could come up with something soothing and declining at the same time, he, the only one who matched description of "adult and reasonable" in their team, was sabotaged. Of course.

"Aren't you, like, ten?" snorted Toph, who, mind you, was considerably shorter than poor kid. 

When the kid bristled, Sokka wasn't surprised.

"I'm not ten! I'm almost an adult! And I may be a bad fighter, sure, but I promise I _will_ be useful!" he all but snarled and then suddenly fell silent, as if not having enough air to continue. He took a deep breath, seemingly calming down a bit, and glared at Aang. "You _can_ use me." His voice still sounded a bit strangled, golden eyes easily betraying despair.

Stop.

Wait a second.

Golden.

Spirits, how can he even think of himself as a sensible one when he didn't notice that boy's eyes were bright yellow, just like eggs' yolks, like coins shining dimly in lights of an underground arena, like eyes of—

Ashmaker. Like eyes of ashmakers.

  
  
  
  


Just a couple of months ago, Sokka would have reached for his trusty boomerang. Now he looks at the kid in front of himself, at his ragged clothes and hollowed cheeks, at the ugly scar on his face and raging despair in his eyes and—

And just feels sad and a little sick.

  
  
  


Tui and La, he was so not ready to deal with random young and possibly suicidal Fire Nation hater, who was also very obviously warchild.

He was still gathering his words, when Aang decided to remember technically being their leader.

"I think... maybe we should talk somewhere with more privacy?" Oh, and of course he decided to continue talking with crazy kid, the pushover he is.

  
  


Of course the he did.

  
  


****

  
  
  
  


Despite the fact that during the couple of weeks that they spent on her Kyoshi, Katara and Suki hardly spoke to each other, she still liked her. Suki was strong and brave, everything that Katara aspired to become ever since they left the South Pole. Moreover, she was really grateful that the girl beat the worst of her brother's sexism out of him. Somehow Suki was way more successful in that than Katara ever managed.

So Katara was really happy to find out that Suki survived Zhao's attack on Kyoshi. They had to flee from there in panicked hurry, and although Zhao immediately followed them, and Aang was able to put out fires with assistance of Unagi, no one could know for sure if Suki warrior survived the whole mess. And thanks to Fire Nation's relentless pursuit of them, they had no way of learning what happened to Suki and the rest of the inhabitants of Kyoshi.

  
  
  
  


And as selfish as it was, Katara also felt glad that her brother didn't have to go through the loss of another dear to him person. It was wrong to be more relieved by this, than the fact that Suki was alright. However she couldn't help, but remember Sokka's face after Yue's death, his empty eyes, his sad tired silence, and not feel grateful that there won't be another death over which he could punish himself. 

(And maybe it will help him relax a little and stop being so overprotective, who knows. That would be great too.)

  
  
  
  


So, Katara was more than fine with her brother transforming into a happy seal-wolf pup in Suki's company. Everyone deserved a little happiness, even if those two's flirting was nasty. Ew. 

But it was okay, Katara could be the brain of their team for a bit and allow her brother sink into role of generic stupid teenager. (Not that he wasn't always one.)

  
  
  


But being the brain of the group also meant that she couldn't afford herself to completely immerse in Suki's story, and leave mysterious kid who asked for letting join them just half an hour ago unattended. So, while all-starry eyed Sokka was absorbing every Suki's word like a sponge, Katara listened to her half-heartedly, mostly watching the kid.

  
  
  


She wasn't really afraid of him, no.

  
  


Katara saw him as a child, just like them. He looked barely older than Aang, and was already hurt by Fire Nation. It was disgusting and made her blood boil with rage, but still. Katara wasn't a naive fool she used to be. She knew better now. 

She saw that he was hurt and desperate. And she knew what really desperate people were capable of. Even if they are just a children, like her.

(Jet's eyes so full of hatred, so vicious, so intense it _burned_ —)

  
  
  


So she watched and she noticed.

How he tensed, instantly taking a fighting stance as Suki called out to them in the crowd of ferry station. How silent his steps were on the stairs, on their way to the small observation deck at the top of wall. How almost painfully tense he looked when Suki talked about Zhao's attack.

He didn’t say a word, obediently following them everywhere, just standing quietly somewhere in the corner entire time. His scar was making reading his facial expression difficult, and dirt with dust all over it didn't help the case either. But his rigid posture and almost unnervingly yellow eyes made him resemble more a cornered wolf-orca pup than human child. He looked a little suspicious, but it was obvious that he didn't quite trust them either. 

He looked _scared_.

  
  
  


She continued to watch even when Ying and her family asked for help. They tried to buy them a ticket using the Aang's avatar title, but it didn't work. Even when Toph was able to procure a ticket for them, it was useless to try to get it the same way for Ying, since she and her family had already approached angry woman at the passport desk before and were refused. 

Katara saw how white the kid's knuckles were, when the poor Ying was rejected by shouting in her face.

  
  
  


And maybe it was too early for them to trust him, but Katara knew: she wasn't afraid of him. 

  
  
  
  


****

  
  
  
  


They could already see the rocky tops of the Serpent's Pass from afar when Sokka stopped worrying about leaving the safe route of ferry and Suki joining them, and noticed that the kid had been quietly following them all this time.

"And what are _you_ doing here?" He yelped, jumping to the side of narrow road and reaching for his boomerang on reflex.

  
  
  


"Following you," the kid grumbled, looking unimpressed. Little jerk.

"Yes, I see, but why? I don't remember that we invited you to come with us!"

"You told we will talk about it. You didn't. But you also didn't say anything when I listened to her story with you," the kid nodded towards Suki, "and when I went with you after. I figured that you're fine with this."

"Well, we aren't! We just... we just forgot, okay? We've been pretty busy in case you didn't notice."

"Well, actually—" Katara began.

"Hey, speak for yourself, I felt him going with us the whole time." Toph cut in. Another little jerk.

"I thought we might postpone the conversation until we get to Ba Sing Se," shrugged Aang and had the audacity to smile apologetically. Then he turned to the kid. "Sorry for assuming things, that was rude. Are you really okay to come with us to Ba Sing Se through the Serpent's Pass?"

The kid answered with blank stare. "It's okay. I don't have a passport anyway, and I still needed to go to Ba Sing Se too."

  
  


"Wait, aren't you with Avatar?" Ying asked in surprise.

  
  


At this point Sokka forgot a little that she and her family was here too. But she was asking good questions.

"No, he's not," he answered instead of the kid, and then looked at him suspiciously. "If you also need to go to Ba Sing Se, does that mean you didn't follow us to join Aang?" Maybe it all was just a misunderstanding. Maybe the kid wasn't Jet like suicidal fighter against the Fire Nation after all. Maybe he's just extremely socially awkward, and instead of asking to help get into town, he asked to join them. It surely would have made things easier for them. After all, helping people is kind of their speciality. Even if this people are weird creepy kids.

  
  


Sokka didn't have even a second to dwell on his hopes, as the kid immediately destroyed them. Mercilessly.

  
  


"I followed you. But I also need to get to Ba Sing Se. There must be a person I traveled with before. We had to split up on the way here." The kid said, and suddenly pained look on his face stripped Sokka of any desire to continue arguing with him.

  
  
  


"Who is this person?" Katara asked, her voice soft and careful.

Tui and La, she obviously felt sorry for this feral child. Sokka really had to do something before she became attached and forced them to keep him!

"My Uncle," the kid whispered, sounding small and hurt. His face betrayed ill-concealed fear and worry, as if he wasn't sure if his uncle really will be in the city. It was obvious that the kid wasn't sure of his safety.

Tui and La, now Sokka began to feel bad for him. Damn it.

  
  
  


They all froze in awkward silence for a moment.

  
  
  


"Well, this is awkward. What's your name, by the way?" 

Oh, thanks spirits they have Toph.

The kid blinked. Opened his mouth, closed it, "It's Zu— Li. Uh, yeah."

"Zuli?" Toph snorted sarcastically. _And yes_ , Sokka agreed, it was pretty ridiculous. The disgustingly bad at lying brat immediately blushed, scowling angrily and mumbled something barely audible.

  
  
  


"I’m sorry, what? We can't hear you," Sokka teased, finally feeling himself in his element.

"It's Zuko!" Kid— Zuko snapped.

"Well, this time it's true." Toph chuckled. "I'll call you Zuli though. It's hilarious."

"Wha—?"

"Why did you lie?" Katara asked, obviously upset. Spirits, she really started to get attached. Last time when something like this happened, they had to leave the South Pole riding a flying bison with the Fire Nation warship on their tail.

"It's okay, Katara." Suki, who had been silent all this time, suddenly intervened. "Many refugees don't give their real names on the road. It may not be safe," she said and smiled at Zuko softly.

Zuko didn't say anything, just averted his eyes, suddenly looking ashamed.

  
  


"Then let's keep going," Aang chirped. "Let's get Ying into the city first, and then we can talk about everything calmly."

“I'm fine with that,” Zuko muttered.

  
  
  
  


****

  
  


Katara can't help but feel relieved now, that they are so close to the city. She carefully distributed their food, which is running out, and tried to think about good things awaiting them in it. There is surely will be plenty of food surely in Ba Sing Se. They will find a lodging, surely it will be nice, Katara feels like they haven't slept under the roof for ages. They will be able to buy new clothes and many other things they had lost with Appa. And Appa. They will definitely find him.

  
  


She glanced briefly at Aang who was eating his portion with blank, distant expression on his face. He carefully chewed each bite and didn't looked up from his bowl even once. Her heart clenched at how different he was from usually always cheerful chatterbox, who physically couldn't sit still even during their meals.

Usually. That's it.

If everything went as usual, then they would already be in Ba Sing Se in the first place. They wouldn't sit on the top of a deadly dangerous all around pass, trying very hard to not cry while thinking about the next day.

If everything were as usual, she wouldn't just sit there, grimly chewing her food now, but would talk and tease like she always did. And they would have let her, because despite fair amount of sarcasm in it, her teasing was never truly malicious. Sokka would be making plans for the day of the black sun, each new idea weirder than the other, and Katara would listen to him, pulling back to reality if he got carried away too much. Aang wouldn't look so downright miserable despite having the coldest expression he ever had plastered on his face. And if she wanted to hug Aang, it would only be for the sake of hugging itself, and not because he felt infinitely lost and distant, as if ready to fly away at any moment—

If everything were as usual, Katara would feel safe and content right now, sitting by small campfire laughing at stupid jokes and talking to Suki or Ying, or Zuko.

Zuko. 

  
  


The boy was sitting far from them, almost on the edge of the plateau, painfully obvious in his hesitation to come closer, and Katara didn't know if he was afraid of them or maybe open fire. Both thoughts were sad. He wasn't eating, although he had turned down Katara's offer to feed him earlier, insisting that he had his own food. All he did was sitting there, looking shackled by all the tension in the lines of his small form, and clutching a bag in his hands. She didn't know what to think of him.

His face seemed almost ominous in the ever shifting glow of the fire, and shadows that danced across his face instead of smoothing out horrible burn, only made it stood out harsher. It looks like a brand, Katara thought bitterly.

  
  


She was about to offer him some food again, suspecting that he lied about having his own, but was interrupted by Momo's loud chittering and Sokka's outraged yelling.

Turning away from Zuko, who seemed to froze at the loud shouting, she saw that lemur and her brother were fighting over a piece of jerky and, wasn't it strange? Considering that the lemur had never shown any interest in food of animal origin before, even in milk and cheese?

"Stupid flying monkey, you don't even eat this!" Sokka screeched, when Momo gloriously won their battle and soared in air, holding jerky by his legs.

Katara watched curiously as Momo made circled above them in the air. After making sure that Sokka wasn't angry anymore, lemur slided down, but instead of landing on the knees or shoulders of one of them as they were all used to, he landed right in front of Zuko, who still had himself all huddled on the edge of the cliff. Then he chittered some more, somehow sounding dissaprovingly, and quickly placed a piece of stolen meat on the boy's lap.

  
  


Katara involuntarily held her breath. The boy stared at the lemur, his good eye wide and confused.

"Uh, you want to give it to me?"

Momo chittered again, sounding affirmative now.

Zuko still looked confused. He slowly lifted jerky from his knees and squinted in their direction. "It's not mine," he said and pulled something that looked like a shriveled rice ball out of his bag. "And I have my own food."

Katara frowned. So, he did have food. Why wasn't he eating then?

  
  


Momo didn't look like he was convinced. He flew onto Zuko's lap and pushed him under the elbows, very clearly urging him to eat.

"Little traitor," Sokka hissed, offended. It seems Katara wasn't the only one watching the scene unfold.

"What's happening?" Toph asked, annoyance ringing in her voice. She always hated not knowing what was going on, when everyone else did.

“Momo stole Sokka's jerky and now he is trying to feed it to Zuko,” Katara whispered, not wanting to attract attention of the two, and feeling oddly amused.

“Well, that's just adorable,” snorted Toph. "Hey Snoozles, does that mean you were scared of lemur's baby this morning?"

"He's not a baby lemur!" Sokka was indignant. "He has vibes of a very bloodthirsty teenager!"

  
  


“Try telling it to Momo,” Toph laughed.

Who, meanwhile, snatched jerky back from Zuko. Circling the boy once more, Momo landed on his neck and swiftly put the unfortunate piece of meat right into his mouth. Or rather, he tried to do so, because Zuko somehow managed to dodge and jerky just stuck itself on his cheek. Momo screeched, for some reason sounding very much like angry Gran-Gran.

“Spirits, this is so _weird_ ,” Sokka muttered, and Katara, for once, absolutely agreed.

  
  


After that, Momo stole from Sokka three more times. And every time Zuko tried to awkwardly return the stolen food, lemur went almost hysterical. Eventually, yilding to his intense chittering, Zuko had to put everything in his mouth and eat. At this point, Katara wouldn't be surprised if Momo crawled into the boy's mouth with his paws, just to make sure that he really swallowed everything. The lemur looked extremely pleased with himself afterwards, while Zuko had a look of someone who would very much appreciate being buried underground somewhere and never seen again.

But looking at how loose his actually quite small clothes seemed to be, and how thin the wrists peeking out of his sleeves were, Katara couldn't help, but feel concerned. Zuko clearly needed eat more, and Sokka seemed to notice it too, because when Zuko tried to return the food at the first time, he just waved him off, saying that he wasn't going to eat anything that both lemur and the "creepy and suspicious kid" were touching. Katara, like everyone else in their group, knew perfectly well that this wasn't actually a problem for Sokka. The guy eat the semi-familiar mucus of desert vulture wasps without any hesitation, for spirits sake! But Zuko didn't seem to understand this, because as soon as Sokka said it, he flinched hard, and quickly returned to his former position at the edge of the cliff. For the rest of the meal Katara could only see his bent, tense shoulders.

  
  


The barely revived atmosphere, fell down again, and again there was only silence between them all. The only thing that disturbed it was the distant sound of the waves and Momo's soft cooing. He somehow managed to loosen Zuko's hair from his disheveled braid and was now petting the strands of charcoal black hair with great interest. Zuko didn't seem bothered by this, continuing to sit in the same stiff, tense position.

  
  
  
  


Aang didn’t even say a word for the whole time, Katara thought anxiously.

She really needed to talk to him.

  
  
  


****

  
  


To be honest, Suki felt a little uncomfortable. She was genuinely happy to meet Aang and his friends again. To meet Sokka again. She was happy, yes.

  
  


But Sokka acted so strangely, chastising her for recklessness and constantly fussing over every little thing, but avoiding her once she would try to talk to him, that she couldn't help but feel out of the place. It was as if she didn’t know him, and he didn’t know her.

(And they didn't, did they? They only knew each other for a couple of days before Zhao and his ship anchored on Kyoshi and ruined everything. Maybe it was just a moment of danger, weakness, that made them kiss and Sokka doesn't really feel anything for her? But then even if he didn't want to deal with the Suki-girl, he would at least respect her as a warrior, what did he even think about her she just couldn't understand—)

Suki was glad, but even more she was confused. And Sokka, who left somewhere immediately after finishing his meal, didn't help their case in the least. So, they needed to talk, straight and honest, no matter how much she was afraid of how this conversation might end.

And even if Suki-girl's heart was broken, she was still a warrior too. She will accept whatever he decides with dignity, and they will be able to remain friends.

She sighed. She still would like for them to be much more than that anyway.

  
  


Brooding, she felt someone's gaze piercing her back and turned to meet Zuko's gaze. The boy immediately dropped his eyes, gesture too quick to be anything other than an old habit. Suki honestly didn't know what to think of him yet. He seemed to be pretty okay as a person, but at the same time there was something concerning in his eyes, in his movements. Heavy fatigue even stronger than what she had already seen in many other refugees slipped through them. The way he moved when they were fleeing from the patrol ship's line of fire, the way he was almost supernaturally agile in avoiding falling rocks of the landslides, it was all too smooth. He moved as a person, who didn't just seen the war and fled from it, but as someone who was on it's front lines.

And he was a child. 

Just like Aang, Toph and Katara. Just like Sokka and Suki. They were all children, but instead of enjoying their youth and suffering the blues of first love, they threw themself headfirst into war and fought. 

And they were _still_ suffered from love. Ugh.

  
  


Spirits. She really needed to talk to Sokka. In the worst case scenario, she at least will get rid of false hopes.

  
  
  
  


****

  
  
  
  


Toph didn't really understand Sokka's alertness, but hey, it was Sokka. The guy was that paranoid if Katara's story of how he mistook Twinkletoes for a spy was anything to be believed.

Toph couldn't even think of a single reason why they should be afraid of Zuli-Zuko. Zuko-Zuli. (The nickname was funny, yes, but for some reason it didn't roll on her tongue with as much of ease as Aang's 'Twinkletoes' or Sokka's 'Snoozles'. Perhaps she should shorten it somehow? Zuzu, maybe? It felt better and sounded pretty hilarious too.)

If her toes could be trusted, and they could be trusted more than anything, really, the kid weighed no more than a ninety jin soaking wet, and was barely taller than Aang, and a nonbender to the boot. He could have the voice of an oldman too fond of smoking opium-tobacco, and he could have two stabby sticks behind his shoulders, but there were four of them. Three strong benders, and Sokka who, as much as she hated to admit it, can be very creative in a real fight. If it came to throwing hands, they will overwhelm him without any problem.

Besides, Zuko wouldn't attack at all. 

He was terrified of them.

  
  
  


Toph felt his heartbeat going crazy from the very first moment he spoke to them. It never slowed down.

Honestly, she was surprised and maybe even slightly impressed that Zuko was still standing, and not lying unconscious due to arrhythmia or something similar, whatever.

He probably has a terrible mug for face if Sokka was still so suspicious around him, with Katara and Aang staying all careful and gloomy.

(Although Aang was hardly anything but gloomy these days. His usually annoyingly light steps heavy and tired, dragging along the ground with exhausted effort, just like at the end of their lessons when Toph would put a giant rock on his shoulders and tell him to walk until he can't anymore. And Toph knew that, in fact, this is exactly what happened to him. She may call herself the strongest earthbender in the world, but she did absolutely nothing to save Appa, just put the another burden of loss on the shoulders of her first friend—)

  
  


But these were the problems of sighted people. Toph saw right through Zuli-Zuko.

  
  
  
  
  
  


Therefore, she didn't miss the moment when his heart rate jumped even higher just a second before the ground on the narrow path right under Than collapsed. She felt that too, but at the moment it collapsed, not a second before. In any other situation, she would have immediately asked the guy if he was an earthbender too, but then they were noticed by Fire Nation patrol ship and they had to spend the next few minutes running away from targeted fire and subsequent landslides.

  
  


Toph only remembered this hitch in the evening, when Aang and Katara left to do their sappy comforting thing, and Sokka with Suki to their gross kissy things. Ying laid on the thin sheet on the ground, enjoying a foot massage from Than, whose sister was already asleep. 

Zuko-Zuli was sitting at the very edge of the cliff apparently giving zero fucks to Sokka's quite loud freakout five minutes ago and, judging by the turn of his head looking somewhere up. Toph assumed he was staring at the moon. For some reason sighted people liked to do this. Water tribe siblings and Aang, at least, did.

  
  


"Tough day, huh?" She asked while sitting down beside him. He flinched predictably, as if fighting the urge to jump away from her, but not daring to do so in the end. His heart rate jumped too.

“Ugh, stop freaking out, I don’t bite," she scoffed. "I only beat and crush skulls," and grinned, but it seems that was wrong thing to do. Or say. This time he flinched harder and actually moved away.

"I'm not afraid," he said, and wow, he really was a terrible liar. Seriously, the guy sucked.

“Yes,” Toph said. "And I'm not blind. And an airbender."

He said nothing to this. They sat in silence for a while. More precisely, he was sitting in silence, because Toph wasn't blessed by this. She could hear his heart perfectly. The scared chunk of flesh stubbornly refused to slow down, getting on her nerves.

“Look, it's okay to be cautious, but you really don't need to freak out that much. Twinkletoes and Sugar Queen will rather kill a person with their pampering than normal human violence. I don't know Suki all that well, but she looks cool and is unlikely to hurt anyone for nothing. And Sokka... Well, he really sucks in a fight. You will probably put him down in two seconds if the way you move reflect your fighting abilities just a bit."

"He is smart," Zuko-Zuli muttered, voice bitter. And, yes, Sokka was smart. Periodically. And really good at improvising his way out of fighting messes. But then Toph tried to remember when Sokka acted smart today for Zuko to notice, and she couldn't. It was weird. Was that a sighted people thing too? Did Sokka do something that only them could understand? Toph felt annoyed at being left out like this.

"Not my point," she dismissed eventually.

"Yeah..."

  
  
  


He continued to sit, legs tucked under his butt, spine straighter than wall, all perfectly still, his breath deep and steady, not betraying even the slightest sign of how frantically his heart was beating. And suddenly Toph remembered this. She felt people acting like this many, many times, to the point of rumbling rage under her skin every time she noticed it.

  
  


"You are noble," half-states, half-accused she. It's not like she had something against all noble folk, she just hated them acting like this, hated being forced to act like this. 

He seemed to notice her anger, because his already racing heart just fucking _skyrocketed_.

"What?! I... I'm not!" He all but yelled, somehow managing to get even worse at lying. His heart was out of any rhythm completely, even his breathing that was perfect all this time now sounded choppy and noisy, Toph felt that he was a literal step away from passing out.

"Hey, calm down!" Not knowing what to do, she reached her hand to put it on his shoulder, and wow, that was a very very bad decision. He jumped on his feet, standing dangerously close to the edge of the cliff, and probably would have fallen out if she hadn't yanked him back catching the hem of his robes by some sheer luck. He immediately darted away from her, pressing his back against some stone. Toph could feel him shuddering with his whole body in her teeth.

  
  
  


Well, she definitely didn't expect that kind of reaction. Maybe him fidgeting a little more, but definitely not the full-blown panic attack over such a trifle as a being noble. Even if there was some grimmy reason for him to hide it.

She sighed. That was a massive fuck up, and she didn't even intended to do this to him. She might be a bit of an asshole, but she wasn't evil asshole, okay?

“Stop it. Stop and breath, come on,'" she offered lamely. All this calming people down thing really wasn't her shtick. "I won't tell anyone, if you don't want them to know. But it's really not a big deal, you know? I'm also a noble runaway, my parents probably throwing out Gaoling's yearly budget to find me right now, so stop freaking out for nothing." Toph said, trying to speak slowly and soothingly. 

She tried to put on her face that one expression that almost always managed to calm the fuck down her parents when they panicked over nothing. She pulled on the corners of her mouth just like she was taught once, by her only more or less tolerable babysitter-tutor ever. _People will think that you know better than them, It is a look that tells: graceful nobility, humble but confident_ , she sing-songed, with her soft, but earthbender-like firm fingers on Toph's face.

Zuko reacted strangely. His heart was still beating too hard and too fast, but he stopped shaking. Just froze suddenly like a mouserabbit in front of a viper-scorpio. And then he giggled.

It was an eerie sound, more like the creak of a window frame than human laughter.

Toph didn't like it at all.

  
  


"You truly are noble."

"Well, yes, so I was saying?"

“You are blind, but can smile just like she does. I guess that has something to do with the blood," he said and giggled again. Still sounding very fucking creepy.

"Who she?" Toph frowned. She didn't like the way he behaved. Somehow, it was even worse than when he was on the verge of panic attack. Toph suddenly realized that she knows the guy for less than a day. She was still confident in being able to put him down if so needed, but now she could see why Sokka and others were wary of him in the first place.

"Don't worry," he answered and sat back down. He was fidgeting still, as if overflowed with nervous energy, his body trembling slightly like gravel and sand does after the earthquake. His heart seemed to calm down a bit, going in previous full-of-anxiety rhythm, not going-to-pass-out one.

  
  


Well, still a shitty situation, but already way better than him going all crazy on her. Toph sat back down (she didn't even realize she was standing the whole time). Dug her toes into the rock. It's chill felt grounding.

  
  


When he stopped shaking, she huffed, "You really are a weird one, aren't you, Zuzu?"

  
  
  


He froze once again. Didn't jump on his feet and freaked out all over again, even his heart slowed down and stuttered for a few beats, as if in pain. 

He threw his head back and burst out _laughing_. It was a raw sound, full of hurt.

  
  
  


Toph again had no idea what to do, but this time she didn’t try to fix anything, as it seemed she only fucked things up more with every new attempt. It wasn't a problem she could just punch and smash. So, she simply continued sitting next to him, steady as the very stone under them, the one that endured raging seas, wild winds and crazy firebending blasts from some stupid ships.

  
  


Zuko stopped laughing pretty fast. They pretended that nothing of this had happened. 

  
  


They sat a little longer. Silently, this time.

  
  
  


****

  
  
  
  


Aang didn't know what to do. Everyone was always expected something from him. They were waiting for salvation, for protection, for peace, and now they were waiting for grief. And he was too tired to fulfill anyone's expectations.

He also felt too tired to deal with Zuko, who suddenly climbed to the the same top that Aang sitted on, and approached him from behind. His footsteps were really quiet, as if belonging to a shadow and not to real boy. Aang almost could mistake him for an airbender if he didn't know better than expect something like this.

It would be nice if he was airbender though. Then it really would be like work of destiny itself.

Aang expected him to start talking, but Zuko remained silent. He just stood there, exposing his face to the wind, allowing it to ruffle his undone from the messy braid hair, dark even against the night sky. Maybe they are similar, Aang thought. Maybe the song of wind currents in the high soothes him when he is in pain.

Aang knew Zuko was in pain. He might be a kid (and he might be very, very sad at the moment), but he was not a fool. He saw how scared the other boy was during the day. Aang understood that he most likely had nowhere to go. And he would like to help, he really did. 

But he didn't know how.

(He just _couldn't_ help him too, not when there was this huge emptiness, clenching painfully in his own heart, and felt weak and fragile, ready to crumble away to the dust on the wind at any second.)

He also saw that Zuko was hurt right now too. He looked stricken, despite standing perfectly still and rigid with breath calm and even, his face exposed to the strong blows of sea breeze was paler than air temples marble. 

  
  


"Are you okay?" Aang asked hesitantly. It might be too hard for him to be the Avatar now, but he still could be human.

  
  


"No," Zuko answered slowly. Then he closed his eyes wearily, and said. "But you're not okay too, are you?"

Aang felt surprised. Zuko's voice held a completely flat tone, as if he was talking about the weather. There wasn't any of Katara's sadness or Sokka's worry. Or Toph's guilt. He was so used to being constantly worried about by his friends and of having to pretend that everything was okay, even if nothing was okay (and they no one even believed it anyway), that Zuko not even trying to answer and seeing right through him despite less than a day of acquaintance, confused him.

“Yes,” Aang said after a minute of thinking There was no point in lying to Zuko, if he was going to stay with them. And although Aang himself didn't yet know what to think about this, he did feel that words of the other boy about them being tied by destiny were sincere. That Zuko won't just leave, even when they reached Ba Sing Se.

Zuko nodded. His shaggy bangs, tangled in the wind, blocked his eyes from Aang for a second. He pursed his lips, looking almost insecure.

"I'm sorry about your bison. This shouldn't have happened," he muttered, for some reason sounding almost guilty.

"It shouldn't have. But now there is nothing to fix, and we have to get to Ba Sing Se first. It's more important now." Aang responded bitterly, his heart clenching at how indifferent his own voice seemed to be.

(Appa didn't deserve this. What he deserved was the owner who would be smarter, stronger and more responsible. Better. Who wouldn't lose him in the middle of the desert, then fail to find him, and even choose to give up searching—

But there was the world here too. The world that deserved the Avatar who will choose what was better for it. Aand just didn't understand why is it the right thing is giving up the most precious that he has? Why does the right thing always has to hurt so much?)

"You don't want it," Zuko said, his even even voice pulling Aang from spiralling. He didn't sound like he was blaming him for anything. "Appa is alive. You want to find him, but you can't. Whatever you need from Ba Sing Se is more important."

"He could still be in the city! The thieves said so!" Aang protested, once again feeling hot anger seething in his chest, just like it did in the desert. It was an ugly feeling. It scared him. 

He took a deep breath. He shouldn't lose control. He had no right to do so.

  
  
  


Zuko watched him with odd look on his face. 

"You're angry. Hurt."

"No, I am not!" Aang snapped. "I shouldn't be! We'll find Appa as soon as we're done with Ba Sing Se. He just needs to wait for us to..." He choked on his words, unable to continue.

(Appa can't wait for them forever. Aang knows that he is alive, knows that he is waiting, but it just can't last for too long. He is suffering somewhere out there, and Aang can do absolutely nothing to fix it, because they have their mission, because the Avatar has his destiny and a boy named Aang who feels so angry, so lost and scared, has nothing and will only ruin everything—)

  
  


"My Uncle once told me that it's okay not to feel okay." Zuko was talking slowly, as if hesitating whether to share this with Aang. "He often talked about how holding back grief and sadness only hurts one's heart more. That any wound takes it's time to heal until the pain goes away. That it can't be healed completely until your spirit will do it first." Zuko said and paused, rubbing his wrists with a absent-minded expression plastered on his face, and by the looks of it he didn't even seem to notice what he was doing with his hands. Aang suddenly felt uneasy. It was obvious that Zuko was talking about something deeply personal. And while Aang liked to know the others secrets, he didn't like to rip up their old wounds.

"Your uncle seems pretty wise." Aang sighed, sincere. 

He thought briefly that it was very Monk Gyatso thing to say.

"He is. I... I try to obey him. But sometimes it's hard. The pain never seems to go away, and I think it would be easier to just let it burn me out entirely or stop feeling anything at all." Zuko suddenly continued to speak. Aang glanced at him in surprise, but the other boy wasn't even looking his way, staring instead at the ground, buried deeply in his own thoughts. His long bangs now hid not only his eyes, obscuring his whole face. "But I can't. I know I have to keep feeling everything, even if I hate it, because I _deserve_... Because I chose this. It's part of my destiny."

  
  


"Zuko..." Aang whispered, his mouth dry, feeling horrified by the implications in the other boy's words.

  
  


Zuko winced at the sound of his name, then whipped his head, letting dark hair flew from his face, and Aang couldn't help but wonder once again at just how intense his eyes were, their gold shining ecpecially striking in the night's darkness. He could easily be confused with the spirit escaped from the old tales that are told to children before sleep. Aang felt slightly mesmerized by this gaze, whatever he was going to say just a moment ago slipping from his mind completely.

"I told you this for a reason. There are teachings that say the Avatar must be detached from human emotions and you can follow them, if you wish. That would be the right choice probably. It could be your destiny. But... if there is anything that I know for sure, is that destiny isn't straightforward. There are always crossroads and choices to be made, and they can all be terrible, but the what to choose is still up to you. " Zuko full of determination in the beginning, started faltering towards the end of his speech, sounding more hoarse and quiet with each word, as if speaking so much was hard for him. Still, he never took his eyes off Aang. "So... you can choose what is expected of you. Or you can choose what you feel is the right thing to do."

They stood in silence for a minute. Aang still feeling confused and caught off guard, just stared at the barely visible waves far beneath them.

  
  


Then, finding the courage to glance quickly on Zuko, Aang suddenly realized why the other was so talkative.

There was a clear regret on his face, but ultimately, Zuko looked like someone who did the best they could in their circumstances. Zuko didn’t believe they would let him stay, Aang realized. That's why he come over to Aang, and told him all of this, even if Aang could feel that there was something very much personal in his words.

It was a goodbye.

Aang gulped, his heart feeling heavy in his chest. It didn't feel right for him.

  
  


And what Zuko said wasn't soothing by any means. In fact, it was painful and raw and terrifying. But in some unexplainable way, Aang found strange comfort in those words, even if the weight of their meaning felt too heavy to hold. It was like Zuko really could understand what it was like when everyone expects impossible things from you and you just have to do them. 

But wouldn't it be so, _so_ nice if Aang really could make his own choices?

He would like to make choice of letting Zuko stay with them for a little longer, he thought. 

  
  


"Thank you," he whispered, breathing evenly suddenly became too difficult. "Your Uncle seems to be truly incredible person." He croaked, feeling with horrified dread that he might cry right in front of Zuko right now, which would probably be a terrible thing to do considering they might or might not have shared a sudden emotional connection a few minutes ago. And Aang still wasn't sure if he even had a right to feel that way at all, after all, Zuko didn't know what he did in the desert, didn't know how terrible cold he was to Katara just before their conversation—

"He is. But it was not him who taught me this." Zuko said, disspersing the vortex of his anxious thoughts. Then looked away from Aang, no longer keeping his gaze on him. "But she was incredible too."

  
  
  
  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Everyone after seeing Zuko's eyes: Wow, what a beatiful golden color!  
> One (hungry) boy Sokka: egg yolks! Money from the underground earthbending championship! Oh, and fire nation's nasty yellow eyes too, yeah
> 
> Momo, gesturing at Zuko: Anyone going to adopt this? No? Fine, he is my baby lemur now.
> 
> Toph, who this one time is trying to be nice and comfort brooding Zuko, but having him breaking down on her instead: Well, that's awkward. 
> 
> So, I wanted to post this chapter in it's entirety, because in fact there isn't much action going on in it, characters mostly thought their thought in first half, but then I was persistently advised to divide it, this was probably right thing to do. It's already a mess as it is, lmao.  
> Well, at least I can now enjoy my birthday in peace, knowing that I finally updated.
> 
> As you may have noticed, the changes in the timeline are indicated here. Namely, thanks to Zuko's abilities, the Gaang didn't have the opportunity to linger anywhere for a long time. For example, they stayed on Kyoshi for only 3-4 days.
> 
> Zuko isn't very talkative, but he was shaken by accidental breakdown and felt like they will probably kick him out the moment morning come, so he pushed, and went to help Aang as much as he could manage, hence the sudden talkativeness. This traumatized baby wants to help another traumatized baby so much that he is willing to overcome his social anxiety and hurt from literal panic attack just half an our ago. This poor child, omg
> 
> He also doesn't actually looks 10, it's just Toph messing with him, being little gremlin that she is. Zuko is short, but looks anywhere between Aang and Katara's age depending on lighting and stuff
> 
> I hope Suki was okay. I feel like she deserved better, but, uh, that's all what I managed. She will get the chance to shine in the next chapter, tho.
> 
> The Ying's husband name was Than, and why didn't I know it? Anyway, if you see accidental Wang on his place, just know, it's him.
> 
> I also tried to give titles to the previous chapters and feel all anxious about it because I am terrible at naming things lol
> 
> Thank you guys very much for your wonderful feedback! I HAD NEVER EVER GET SO MUCH OF IT IN MY WHOLE LIFE. It makes me so happy that I write 14k chapters lmao. 
> 
> Please, feel free to correct my mistakes! And don't forget, any feedback is appreciated, it's the literal water for my writing crops XD
> 
> In the next chapter: swimming lessons from a giant sea serpent, a baby, some spirit folklore (because there is no one to stop me now) and Katara having opinions on topic of the unenviable fate of women in the spirit tales***. Everything sprinkled with not so secretly panicking Zuko.
> 
> ***UPD: There is no curse reveal yet, I'm very sorry for getting you all hyped guys, I didn't realize how this might sound and messed up with giving hints. In the next chapter it will be just some more stories with spirits who needs ass kicking for being nasty lmao.


	4. The Serpent's Pass (part 2)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which the Gaang reacts some more, talks a lot, and a bit freaks out.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So, when I spoilered this chapter in the end notes of chapter 3 I messed up, and made an impression that Zuko will reveal his curse in this chapter. I didn't actually meant it, I just wasn't aware how dubious it sounded! Still, I'm very sorry, guys, and sincerely apologize before those, who waited curse reveal in this chap.  
> And just to clear things up: if I will be able to follow my plans curse reveal will probably happen around 10-11 chapters, so fasten your belts guys, there is quite a ride ahead.
> 
>  **Warnings:** Zuko still gets triggered over literally everything, short moment of almost drowning, implied\referenced torture, gaang freaks out at their own theory of Zuko being warchild (basically at the concept of war rape), implied eating disorder, there is no drugs, but I joked about them, a few F-bombs served by Toph and Zuko, all these kids need a hug asap. My dialogues still could be better.
> 
> Bu is a metric unit used in chinese measurement of length. 1 bu = 1.6m
> 
> I named Ying's sister as Xiao, since she wasn't named in canon.
> 
> Another big ass chapter, it was already huge, and then I rewrote it, I can't believe to myself. I'm not sure if I can keep up the pace though, since my semester at university has already begun.  
> I'm pretty sure that the next chapter will be quite small (at least I hope so), because I plan to fill it with action, and I downright suck at writing it lmao
> 
> Anyway, thank you all very much for a wonderful feedback, it gives me life! Please, feel free to point out mistakes in text!

So, just to make it clear: Toph wasn't afraid. Nope, sir. Beneath her feet was an excellent layer of earth, pleasantly hard, even though covered in silt and nasty slippery algae. The fact that there were literal bu's of water above her head didn't matter at all. There was stone under her feet, as solid and reliable as always.

And even if she would be just a little bit scared, there was a comforting knowledge that she wasn't the only person freaking out at the moment. Zuli-Zuko, whose heart rate could very well belong to some rabbitmouse cornered by pygmy puma and not ragged refugee, seemed to having it way worse than her.

Toph ignored the way he stubbornly kept himself as far away from her as possible. _He's afraid of water_ , she told to herself, _not me_. (His thumping heartbeat and eerie laughter still echoed faintly in her ears.)

But then something huge slipped over their heads, overwhelming them with cascades of salty water that broke into their tiny bubble of air, soaking her clothes, settling in her throat with a heavy aftertaste because she couldn't help but swallow some—

She still wasn't afraid, no. But whatever was going on, it just sucked. So hard.

  
  


Luckily, Toph could work with things that suck. There still was solid rock under her feet, and she still was the greatest earthbender in the world.

  
  
  
  


What she couldn't work with was freaking ice in the water. Nope, sir. Toph was earthbender enough to admit that there were things that sucked too much even for her.

"Toph, come on! It's just ice!" someone screamed.

Sokka. It was Sokka. He sounded like he was shouting from quite afar. Her breath hitched in her throat. 

"Actually, I'm gonna stay on my little island where I can see!" She yelled back, feeling vaguely proud of how definitely not scared her voice sounded. At least she hoped so. Would be bad to have her hearing starting lacking too.

  
  
  


Someone stepped back on the stone of her island. For a split second, she thought that it was Aang, with his stupidly small legs and stupidly light steps, it would be the first time she cheered at him standing like this and not in a rooted stance of earthbender , but then the other leg stepped in and she realized: it wasn't Aang.

"We have to go, Serpent won't be distracted for long."

"Zuli? What are you doing here?" She croaked, very surprised and just a tiny bit glad.

"We have to go," he ignored her (what a jerk), and grabbed her wrist. She quickly snatched it back.

"I'm not going anywhere."

"Toph—"

"I can't see shit, and I can't swim!" Toph hissed, feeling heat creeping on her cheeks and annoyance starting to rumble in her chest. Why the hell did Zuko come back for her? She would have handled it without his help just fine.

  
  
  


They weren't even friends.

He didn't even like her. Certainly not after last night.

He probably hated her. (His laughter again, still ringing in her ears, so terrible and pained—)

  
  


"I can. I hate it, but I can," his unnaturally hoarse voice all but slammed into the panicked mess of her thoughts, and then he grabbed her wrist once again, his hold tight and firm despite how thin and crooked his fingers felt.

  
  


And all of a sudden, everything was clear. Toph could feel the feverish heat of his skin, hear despite the noise around them how ragged and rapid his breathing was.

Zuko was terrified.

Just like her.

He probably didn't even come back for her. He was just as scared as she was, struggling to make himself run to the shore with everyone. But she was here too, and he refused to leave her be. What an annoying jerk.

Toph hadn't a choice to do anything but admit, while Zuli-Zuko was a spiritsdamned rabbitmouse, he still had the guts worthy of a real earthbender.

  
  
  


And could Toph possibly lose to this? No fucking way she could. She took a deep breath, clenched her teeth and stepped forward, straight into the cold unknown of ice.

  
  
  
  


****

  
  
  


Zuko almost believed that everything would be all right. Toph's hand, unexpectedly strong for someone her size, was firmly gripped in his own as they moved forward on the path of ice with the pace of particularly slow turtle-hedgehog. 

Zuko wasn't afraid of water. He was not.

He just didn't have good memories with it.

He was fine with ships. With any water that stayed away from him, actually. But walking on a thin strip of ice, laid here by an almost stranger, holding currently blind for real girl by hand and knowing there is only deep sea (with water salty, and cold, and burning even the smallest wounds) under them all seething thanks to the giant serpent raging in it? That was something he wasn't exactly comfortable with it.

  
  


But they were doing it. Slowly but surely.

  
  


Until, just like literally everything in Zuko's life, the ice path exploded in their faces. His foreboding, still poignant despite him eating last night, exploded in his head, screaming danger, and a second later serpent's massive tail fell right in front of them, ruining their path. Suddenly, they were underwater. 

For a second, he got lost in the current pulling him down, unable to make out where should be the top and where bottom, drowning both in the sea and his own sheer panic, barely remembering not to scream like total idiot and breathe in more water than he already did.

  
  
  


For a second, he struggled, deafened by water rushing into his ears and blinded by sea salt and foam in his eyes.

For a second, he forgot that he can swim, just until he remembered who _can't_.

Then Zuko took panic shrieking in his head, and strangled it. And then he kicked, again, bursting to the surface in a matter of seconds. Air, incredible amazing air, rushed into his lungs, making him cough and wheeze, but he couldn't allow himself to slow down any more. He opened his eyes still burning from sea salt, and found Toph who, thanks Agni, still floundered weakly on the surface.

He swam closer just in time to catch before she sank underwater fully.

  
  


And then spirits decided to remind how much the hated him, again.

  
  


Something struck his face. His nose, to be precise. It exploded in pain as Toph, still confused and trapped in panic, elbowed him right in the face. He definitely didn't expect her impressive physical strength extending beyond earthbending.

Well, his fault. As always.

Black spots danced before his eyes and he loosened his grip, almost releasing the girl back into water, when someone unexpectedly pulled her out of his arms. Zuko couldn't see who it was, there were still sparks and black spots all over his vision, but he bared his teeth anyway, and growled.

"Zuko, calm down! It's me, Suki! It's me." Gentle female voice felt familiar to him, and he blinked away water, pain and a thin veil of frightened rage from his eyes. It was Suki, she dangled in the water next to him, and had Toph in her arms. Toph was limp, but it didn't seem to be injured. If anything, the girl looked embarrassed.

"Spirits, it looks like I really am some fragile damsel in trouble, needing two knights at once. That sucks."

Suki chuckled softly, and said, "Let's get out of here."

  
  
  


Zuko somehow mustered the strength to nod before swimming towards the shore. Once upon a time Zuko was really good at this. But now he was weakened by hunger, sleepless nights and old wounds. His body felt heavy and stiff. Besides, he hadn't really swam since the very last time their family vacationed on Ember Island. Even during his and Uncle's hiding on the merchant ship, he always stayed away from water. And after that there was only Earth Kingdom's dusty wastelands.

  
  


He was completely exhausted by the time he got to shore.

  
  


He was just about to gather his strength and finally crawl away from the waves onto solid earth, when someone's grabbed his arms and pulled. In a brief flash of panic, he held breath and jerked with his entire body, trying to slip out of other's grasp, even if it meant falling into the water again. Someone cursed and stubbornly held on to him only tighter, and Zuko couldn't breathe—

"Tui and La, calm down already!"

He knew this voice. Sokka. It was Sokka. The Water Tribe boy. The one whom he knew, but who didn't know him. Zuko forced himself to freeze.

"Let go," he spit out, feeling weak and angry and still very much in danger.

"Sheesh, okay. You don't have to thank me for helping you get your tiny ass out of the water." Sokka snorted, but sounded a bit tense.

He let go. Zuko almost fell, suddenly boneless, but managed to stay on his feet. There was enough humiliation for today. He closed his eyes, tired, and shivered, the light breeze feeling unexpectedly cold after being soaked to the bone in the chill waters. He could dry himself with firebending — Uncle taught him after he caught a cold at the sea — but was almost sure that after such tricks Avatar's friends would just toss him back in the sea and will make sure he won't get out of it.

(Maybe the Avatar himself will too. He was nice, of course, but thanks to Zuko, Fire Nation pursued him with the tenacity of wolverine-hounds all autumn and a good chunk of winter. Plus the kid was clearly still not alright after the loss of his bison.)

He couldn't even take off his clothes to squeeze the water out, because then they would see all his scars and start asking _questions_. And Zuko's memories of answering questions were even worse than those with water. More diverse, at least.

So, the only option he had left was shivering like some pathetic kitten-puppy, who got itself drenched in a ditch, and hope that he won't get sick again.

(This time there was no Uncle with Zuko. No one will take care of him until he recovers, smooth out the shiver of a burning fever, hold his hand, or just simply be there, banishing nightmares and memories of all kinds with his unbearably kind, soft voice—)

  
  
  


"Are you okay?" Someone asked suddenly.

He recognized her voice with a delay of second, although it was a meek excuse since it was the third time in a single day of him having trouble with recognizing voices. Such a shame after countless hours of training in memorizing them, faces and body movements. His teachers probably would have burned off all skin on his wrists already. 

Anyway, it was Ying. The woman didn't talk to him once, but approached him now of all times. She stared at him, and her expression was oddly reminiscent of Uncle's, when Zuko managed to disappoint him somehow. 

"Yes," he answered shortly, suddenly feeling wary. There was no way he could anger her with something, right?

  
  


She didn't respond, only frowned slightly. Looking, again, just like Uncle. (Which was quite disturbing.) Zuko didn't understand. What did he do? He just...

Oh.

She didn't like how he couldn't save Toph?

Well, that sounded like the truth. Naturally, There was no way that the future mother would be happy with his poor performance. She probably felt protective of Toph, who even with all her prowess still was the youngest in the Avatar's team.

Zuko lingered on that little island to help her, but in the end didn't succeed in anything, only caught the girl's elbow with his nose and almost drowned her. And then barely swam ashore with the speed of dying turtle-hedgehog, only to threw a tantrum in response to Sokka helping him to get out from the water.

He definitely disappointed her. Shit.

  
  
  


He bowed as low as it was formally decent among Earth Kingdom commoners, maybe just a little bit deeper even, and, with his mouth suddenly going dry, said:

"I apologize for my failure."

She blinked. She seemed surprised for some reason.

  
  
  


"What?!" Sokka yelped suddenly.

Shit. Right. He forgot about the Avatar's friends themselves. (And to forget something like this... Perhaps, he really did deserved to be burned.)

He bowed to Sokka in the Water Tribe style, and then again in the Earth Kingdom style to Toph, and after a second of thinking, to Suki.

  
  


"I sincerely apologize for my failure," he said, praying internally that it would be enough.

"What do you mean?"

Apparently, it wasn't.

"What the hell are you talking about?" Toph demanded. Zuko scowled, was they serious?

"I... endangered your life?" He answered slowly, suddenly feeling uneasy. Could this be a test? Were they angry with him for completely different reasons?

(Father loved to ask him questions that couldn't be answered correctly, just to see what Zuko has to say, to find fuck ups in what he had to say— And he knew that kids in front of him weren't like that, he knew that they are different from his father, he saw with his own spiritsdamned eyes how they behaved with each other. 

But they were _friends_ , while Zuko was an outsider at best, and an enemy at worst. He couldn't afford himself to hope for the same treatment, he didn't even _deserve_ it anyway—)

  
  
  


"You tried to save me!" Toph answered indignantly. "Not that I wouldn't come up with something myself, but you tried. Sokka, did you drop Zuli on his head while Suki and me was busy coughing up the sea and couldn't babysit you two?"

"What? No! He was already like that when I pulled him out of the water! If anything, it's probably your fau— Ouch!"

Toph crossed her arms over her chest and, with a devious grin, sent another pebble straight to Sokka's forehead.

"Don't worry, Love, my mother used to say that it's normal for children to behave strangely if they are suddenly dipped in cold water," suddenly said Than, and put a hand on his wife's shoulder.

"I'm not a child!" spluttered Zuko. Now it was just straight up offensive.

  
  
  


"What's going on guys?" The Avatar and Katara chirped in, sounding a bit agitated. Zuko probably would be agitated too, just defeating a giant sea serpent. The Avatar and his waterbending master were just a kids, sure, but their power was actually terrifying.

"Zuko is acting strange," Sokka huffed. "Toph didn't want to walk on the ice and he stayed to lead her by hand, but both fell into the water when the Serpent hit ice with it's tail, and almost drowned..."

"Oh!" Katara gasped, panic flashing briefly on her face.

“I'm so sorry, guys, we had to be careful!” Aang cried, his eyes wide and filled with guilt.

"Suki saved Top anyway, and Zuko made it to shore himself. And now he's acting weird, going around and apologizing to everyone."

  
  


Zuko seriously didn't understand what exactly was going on. He simply didn't see the logic in what was happening. Apparently, they weren't actually angry with him. But if they weren't angry, then what for Agni's sake they even wanted from him?

  
  


“Zuko,” Katara turned to him, her eyes soft and gentle, sounding careful and deliberate, as if she wasn't talking to Zuko, but a scared lizard-dog. "Why would you do that. You have nothing to apologize for. You helped Toph."

"I didn't do anything. Only almost drowned both of us," he said and shrugged, terribly uncomfortable with entire situation. There was definitely something wrong with how they acted, but he felt too tired to seriously analyze it.

"That you tried counts too," Aang said, sounding serious and mature. Guilty look entirely gone from his face. His gray eyes that were looking at Zuko for a second seemed like they belonged to someone very, very old.

  
  


Zuko only jerked his shoulder in some vague gesture meaning of which he didn't know himself and, turning away from the group, hurried forward. He wanted to get away.

****

  
  
  


Suki didn't know exactly why she followed Zuko. The boy just looked genuinely distressed (he actually looked distressed the whole time with group, but yesterday she was too distracted by whatever was going on with Sokka to truly pay attention). He strode far ahead of them, his shoulders bent as if expecting a blow, his gaze locked on the ground. He didn't acknowledge her presence in any way, even when she came closer. Suki noticed that he was still soaking wet, while her own clothes were taken care of by Katara.

"You know, I think Aang or Katara would love to help you with this," Suki broke tense silence, nodding at Zuko's wet clothes.

“Don’t need,” the boy grunted grimly, his face clearly saying that it's more the case of "don’t want".

"Well, whatever you want," Suki shrugged.

They continued walking, the rest of the group far enough that they could speak without lowering voices, but both remained silent. Despite obviously being cold, Zuko continued to stomp with an almost aggressive energy, not slowing down at all. _This looks like he is marching_ , Suki thought. The fact that his steps were still surprisingly quiet felt almost bizarre and spoke of a certain skill. Suki remembered her thoughts from yesterday, how Zuko looked like a child, and behaved like a seasoned soldier. 

But who would take child as a soldier?

Thinking about it made her feel uneasy. She knew that while Kyoshi remained neutral, many parts of the Earth Realm had become increasingly desperate to recruit new soldiers. During her time at the ferry station, she even heard rumors that some units with deteriorating discipline were taking young children into the army by force. It would not be a stretch to suggest that Zuko, who was obviously from the Fire Nation colonies with his pale skin and golden eyes, could be such a recruit.

And if he really was recruit from around colonies, where people grew more and more desperate with each new day passing by, this explained such a strange reaction to simple gratitude. Suki wasn't naive, she knew that Earth Kingdom army had a fair share of bastards who relished in hurting those who are weaker than them.

Recently Suki often thought about how the war had made them all grow up faster than they should have, but Zuko seemed to be chilling reminder, that the war and fire nation isn't the only ones who hurt children.

It made her angry. 

It made her sad.

  
  
  


"You may not think so, but I think you really did well." She said because it's wrong for anyone to feel the way he does. She wants to help him.

“I failed,” Zuko replied shortly. Slight resignment in his voice told her that those words had often escaped his lips.

"It's not like this. Aang is right, you tried. Intention is important," Suki objected.

( _Your intentions are more important than victory,_ mother used to say, while treating with healing ointment raw knuckles Suki's hands, who still got herself involved in fights with other children every now and then. _You have the spirit of a real warrior_ , she would say sometimes, and then take still sullen Suki with her to the dojo where she would ran through katas again and again, often failing miserably, but never giving up.)

Zuko finally looked at her, bewildered. "Why are you all making such a big deal out of this?" It seems like he really doesn't understand.

"You tried to help their friend. Anyone would appreciate that." She tried to come up with an answer that would satisfy someone like Zuko.

"And what about you? Why do you care?" He narrowed his eyes. They were indeed a strange bright yellow color, golden even, just like the coating on her otherwise steel fans. There was steel in his eyes, too. He was so painfully fire underneath all the mud on his face that it made Suki wonder, if there was earth in him at all. If they can trust him.

Maybe those who hurt him thought the same. 

It was a horrible thing to think about. She felt ashamed of herself.

"I don't know Toph well," Suki admitted, "But I like to think I know Sokka and the others, therefore I also appreciate what you did."

"I already said I did nothing... Whatever," he muttered, and dropped his gaze back down, returning to his old habit.

This made her feel even more guilty. Zuko looked like fire, but he didn't act like one yet. And thanking him out loud while suspecting him in her mind was simply wrong.

For a moment, she wanted to end the conversation, let them both dwell on their thoughts in silence. She thinks Zuko would hardly be upset about that at all. But in truth, she wanted to talk to him yesterday, however talking to Sokka upset her more than she expected and by the time she returned to the camp, Zuko vanished somewhere. Maybe she shouldn't do it now either, she wondered. She's already distressed him (and herself) enough.

But Ba Sing Se is already close and Suki will have to leave before they even get to the walls. She needed to talk to him, and this wasn't the kind of conversation they should have in front of others.

She sighed. So much for comforting someone, Suki.

"You won't leave after you come to Ba Sing Se, will you?" She said, deciding there was no use in fiddling around.

"We haven't talked about it yet."

"That's right. But it seems you've already decided everything for yourself. Even if they don't agree to accept you, you will still follow Aang, won't you?"

He didn't slow down, but looked up at her again.

“It’s my duty,” he said, simply, but with steady conviction in his voice. There was unshakable conviction in his golden eyes. Her mother's eyes shone with the same determination when she left their island, same words on her lips as well.

Suki wonders if she looked like this too. (If all of this wasn't just a selfish act of little girl, who instead of staying to defend the entrusted to her, left to chase a big dream of saving the world.)

“I understand,” she nodded. Zuko was still a bit odd and suspicious, but there was something about him that made her trust him anyway. She smiled, "Well, I hope you will take good care of them."

"I will," he replied gravely, despite the light tone in which she asked him.

Suki remembered, why she approached him in the first place. “And don't forget they can take care of you, too.” She didn’t want him to go out of his way even if it will be to protect her friends. Zuko had an aura of someone ready to get their way, even if it meant harm to them.

He jerked with one shoulder and continued walking, now much less energetically.

"I know they are capable," he said carefully.

"They are kind," Suki replied, recalling the short time they spent on the island. How Aang returned to extinguish the fire devouring her village, even if it meant getting himself in danger of being caught by Zhao. Remembering the rumors of the avatar and his friends exploits, who, despite the never stopping pursuit of the Fire Nation, always helped those who were in trouble.

"Yes... they are," he answered, and for a second his gaze shot somewhere above the ground, towards the horizon.

  
  


They walk in silence, no longer tense, a little more before Suki says, "So that means it's okay to go and have someone dry your clothes before you end up with a cold."

"Wha— What does this even have to do with— No!," he stubbornly shook his head and speeded up, practically running away from her now.

Suki sighed. He somehow managed to be both funny and sad at the same time.

  
  
  
  


****

  
  
  
  


It was a mess.

Ying was giving birth, and the only person who even remotely knew what to do was Katara, so naturally everyone else just slipped into chaos. Sokka hurried to get water for the second time (he forgot waterskin at the first one). Avatar gutted Ying and Than's bags in search of suitable rags. Toph, after making a tent, quickly left it, muttering something about too loud everything, and Katara with Suki disappeared inside it and didn't show up ever since.

  
  


Ying's screaming was very loud.

Zuko couldn't help, but feel a little sick. He assisted Sokka with bringing water, wanting to go away from the tent for at least a few minutes, but woman's screams of pain was almost haunting. He didn't go inside the tent yet, unable to stomach the thought of being in this cramped, dark space, full of screams and stench of blood and _flesh that burns_ —

"First time?" Sokka asked wearily. His complexion still had a slight tinge of green in it.

"What?" Zuko blinked.

"Mine too. In the Water Tribes we, men, don't come close to... all of this."

"I thought that male family members were allowed into the birthing huts," Zuko said, starting to feel interested. It was also a good distraction from the screaming.

"What? I don't kno— I mean, maybe? But it's not very manly anyway."

"Uh... okay," and there was an awkward pause. 

"Actually, don't listen to me. I mean, about this whole manly thing. I'm just panicking a little right now," Sokka said suddenly, with somewhat guilty look on his face. "It's a bit hard to get over old habits."

_Tell me about it_ , Zuko thought, but said nothing. Old habits and all.

But after some more of awkward silence and really uncomfortable screaming from the depths of the tent, Zuko gave up. Half-wishing that Sokka won't hear him anyway, he muttered quietly, "Actually, this isn't my first time. I have a younger sister." 

He instantly regrets that he told it. Why did he do it at all? Wasn't he the one who threw a ridiculous tantrum yesterday over Toph touching revealing a tiny bit of his past? And now what, he sits here and talks about himself like it's nothing. What's wrong with him?

And it's not even like he was there when mother was in labor. Being only two years old, he just sat on the lap of Uncle, who waited all the time on the bench by the door, every now and then asking the man if everything was alright with mom and where dad was. Uncle reassured him that Ursa is going to be just fine, and he would get a little brother or sister very soon, but was silent every time he asked about father, faint smile not able to hide his sad eyes completely.

  
  


"Little sister?" Sokka looked surprised. "Huh, you don't look like big brother very much."

He forced himself to calm down, making small and even breaths just like Uncle taught him. He can't fall apart again.

"I'm a bad big brother," Zuko shrugged. And he was. Azula was fierce and cold, but she wasn't always like that. Maybe if Zuko was stronger, if he was just _better_ , his father wouldn't spend so much time with her. Maybe she wouldn't become so twisted.

(And maybe if Zuko had been better, their mother wouldn't have had to leave, and Azula wouldn't have had to grow up without her. She always loved her, he knew: he saw it behind the way Azula acted while talking about her, brushed aside her cold contemptuous smiles and subtle taunts, saw tiny sparks of pain smoldering in her otherwise cold amber eyes so unlike his own.)

  
  


"I don't think so," Sokka said for some reason. Zuko assumed he was trying to be polite. "You said you 'have' younger sister. Does that mean she's alive?"

  
  


Zuko bit his lip in furious anger at himself. Agni, he really was such an idiot. Allowing slip up like this, and in front of Sokka of all people. He knew Sokka was much smarter than he seemed to be, and still was so damn careless.

Dum-dum indeed.

  
  
  


"She was alive the last time I saw her," he admitted because there was no point in lying. And he sucked at this anyway. He did his best to ignore the fear inside him, that shrieked louder with every word that escaped his lips.

Sokka smiled. Zuko didn't understand why right away, but then Katara shouted something in the hut, and he remembered that not all little sisters want to hurt their older brothers. That sometimes it's okay to just care about each other, without spending sleepless nights over trying to convince yourself that you don't care about her, that she hates you, that she always lies or that you hate her just as much.

"I'm sure that one day you'll meet her again, man," Sokka said, after taking a look on his face, his smile wide and sincere and hopeful.

Zuko doesn't feel comforted by his words, though. At all.

  
  
  
  


****

  
  
  


When Toph decided to approach him it wasn't the best moment, but hey, there hardly was good moment for that kind of things at all. And, everyone except for Katara and Suki, was just messing around right now, so if Zuko freaks out again, there will be someone else besides Toph to calm him down. For example Aang, who looked better than he was yesterday. Or even the last couple of days. She didn't know what him and Katara talked about, but it certainly helped. And Sokka, who was surprisingly good with people and feelings, despite his not always so great sense of humor. Or maybe even thanks to it. Not the point, anyway. He would help too.

Zuko, to his credit, almost didn't flinch when Toph came over, only tensed, but this seemed to be his natural state of being. She sat on the ground in front of him, and winced, hearing another scream from the tent. She had to get out of it, because with her hypersensitive feet and ears, the atmosphere was too... loud, but even at the outside, some shouts managed to put her in unease, like a hand stroking an owl-cat against it's feathers. Zuko, it seems, also wasn't particularly fond of the woman's screaming. Judging by the way his heart stumbled on each yelp.

"Listen..." Toph began, and while it wasn't her style to tiptoe around anything, something told her that conversation with a purpose to thank someone who tried to save her life today (and who almost jumped off the cliff because of her, yesterday) — was better to be more or less delicate.

"Sorry," Zuko interrupted her. His hands, which he had previously held on his lap, started picking the ground. Toph could feel nervous tremor in them.

"What?" she asked, a bit dumbfounded, but something was telling her that she already knew what it's all about. "Are you talking about what happened in the water? Again?"

Zuko held his breath. His fingers froze.

"No?.." He tried, weakly. She made a face. He sighed, surrendering. "Yes. And also for freaking out on you yesterday."

Toph barely resisted the urge to grab him by his scruff and shake for a while. Hard.

She steadied herself.

“Listen, Zul— Zuko. I’ll only say this once, because next time it happens, instead of talking, I’ll just bury you in the ground. You have nothing to apologize to me for. First of all, I'm not some weakling and can take care of myself, you have no responsibility over what happens to me, thank you very much." Zuko stirred, probably wanting to deny something, but she lifted her hand, refusing to be interrupted again. "Secondly, if anyone should apologize, it’s me. Especially for yesterday. I don’t know what exactly I said for you to freak out, but I’m sorry. And I will try not to do it anymore, if you tell me where exactly I fucked up. Oh, and thanks for still trying to save me today, I guess. That was... nice of you. And— Uh, sorry about your face. I think I punched you, if I remember correctly." Toph finished, feeling strangely nervous. She always hated apologizing, but she really owed some to poor guy. 

She only hoped that he would get it this time around.

Zuko froze for a minute, his only reaction was the way his even, measured breathing, deepened slightly. Then his still digging in the ground fingers relaxed and he muttered, "It's okay. You really have nothing to thank me for. And... um, thanks for apologizing? I don't have much... experience with all that. You really didn't do anything wrong, you didn't know, after all. It's just... don't call me _that_ anymore, please."

"Okay," Toph answered simply. Toph still wasn't happy with the guy's physical inability to accept gratitude, but well, she knew when it's better to wait out.

Toph kind of wanted to ask what exactly was wrong with Zuzu nickname, but for all her not-good-with-feelings stuff, even she realized just how bad this idea was.

"And... don't smile at me like that. Not at me, please," Zuko added, surprising her. She thought that he would now closed into himself for the rest of the day.

“Not that I like doing it all that much,” Toph snorted. "It's just— my parents always calmed down when they saw it, and yesterday I was a bit too surprised to came out with something else. Old habits die hard." She shrugged.

"Old habits, huh." He muttered under his breath. She still heard him, because, hello, blind person here! It would take more effort from him to keep her ears from hearing his mumbling. "Well, they're really weird if they do. Your parents, I mean," he added, surprising her once more. 

Wow, there was some cockiness in this emotional wreck of teenager. Good to know.

Toph tilted her head and grinned for real, with too many teeth and ugly squinted eyes. It wasn't a smile worthy of young noble lady. It was very Toph through and through. "You would know, young master."

There was a momentary change in his pulse, a slight increase that could have been confused by fear, if Toph didn't already know how his heart acts when he is actually afraid. Now, it was, she guessed, amusement.

"This one suits you much more."

Toph chuckled, and grinned even harder. She also liked this Zuko better.

  
  
  
  


****

  
  
  


The baby was tiny. She was tiny and soft and red, had a full head of dark hair, but he wasn't surprised, he knew that sometimes babies are born with hair. If he remembered correctly, in Earth Kingdom it was considered a sign of good luck. He really hoped he remembered correctly.

Zuko didn't regret coming in at all, but still stood in the distance, not daring to come closer to Ying lying on her makeshift bed and gently holding tiny new life in her arms. Her face was so full of love and hope, that it was hard to look at. Zuko still did.

"It's so... squishy looking," Sokka muttered absently.

"Yes. She is," Zuko agreed, just to ease the sudden tightness of his throat.

  
  


(The baby had clear, clever eyes. They reminded him of Azula. She, too, was just like this, lying in the arms of his tired, but extremely happy mother, looking at him with similar clear and clever eyes, even if of a different color. She looked tiny and fragile and warm, like a candle light. When he said this aloud, his father looked at him with his cold eyes, and said, "She has the spark of a strong firebender in her eyes. And she is healthy. You were lucky to survive." 

_Stop it. She won't have it like this_ , Zuko says to himself. This baby wasn't like Azula at all.

She has no brother. Her father truly loves her. Her mother won't leave her.

And Zuko will help to keep it that way. 

He owes that much.)

  
  
  


The Avatar was crying and Zuko felt an overwhelming desire to join.

He didn't.

He couldn't.

  
  
  


*****

  
  
  


They left the spouses in the tent, trying to give them a couple of hours of privacy and well deserved rest, when Zuko, acting rather strange all this time, suddenly approached Katara.

"Do you need something?" She asked, feeling tired, but not wanting to push the boy away. He looked like he was going through something and seemed lost.

“Yes,” he nodded, and reached into his half-empty-looking bag, which he usually carried behind his back over the scabbard of his double dao. He pulled a small leather pouch out, and when he opened it, Katara saw chopped pieces of some dried plant. "These are drugs."

  
  


"What?!" Shrieked Sokka, quite accurately expressing her own feelings about the revelation.

  
  


Zuko didn't look like he understood their shook.

"Tell me, for spirits sake, why do you have a dope?!" Outright screeched Sokka as he continued successfully expressing her opinion.

"Zuli has what now?" Howled Toph, wicked grin lit her face.

Aang just gaped.

With all of this, Zuko seemed to understand. He scowled (and did a pretty impressive job at this, barely refrained from wincing herself), blushed for some reason, and growled, "These are medications, idiots! You take them so you don't feel pain!"

"Aren't all drugs supposed to do this?" Toph smirked.

Zuko looked at her like he was about to explode. And was he always this emotional?— Katara wondered. He took a deep breath and pinched the bridge of his nose.

"All the drugs do is make you feel as bad, hurt, nauseous, hallucinating and lost piece of shit that was _set on fire_ and can do nothing but scream and beg for it to _stop_."

That was... a very detailed answer which definitely sounded like it had come from experience. Katara wasn't sure how to feel about this, and it seems Sokka too, since he chose to remain silent this time.

Zuko appeared to notice their reaction, because the next moment he froze, going rigid and tense. His face contorted into expression that Katara could call ashamed.

  
  
  


Okay, that was very, very disturbing.

  
  
  


After a minute of very awkward silence, Zuko scowled once more and turned back to Katara. "The labour took a long time and there is still a whole day of walking until Ba Sing Se. I wanted you to take these herbs and brew for Ying a dose with which she will be able walk without pain. I think half a spoon on a cup of water should be enough, this is a strong remedy. Would do it myself, but I'm not sure if she will take anything from me. Besides, I have no dishes."

Katara blinked. So far it was the most she had heard Zuko saying at a time. "Of course. I... I can do it."

"Thank you," Zuko bowed to her (and wait, was that the Water Tribe style?) And turned around, walking away from the camp.

"Where are you going?" Aang asked in a weak voice.

"I want to find flowers for the girl."

"Oh, I almost forgot about it! Thanks!" Xiao suddenly chirped, and rose from her place by the campfire they made to boil water and brew some broth for Ying. The girl headed somewhere in the opposite direction from Zuko.

"Okay... Am I still on cactus juice, or this is actually really weird?" Sokka asked slowly. Katara was feeling just as lost though.

  
  


Aang suddenly beamed. "Oh, right! I didn't know this tradition was still around!"

"What tradition?" Katara asked.

"Oh, there is an old tale, in which!.."

"There is a tradition of giving flowers to newborn girls in the southern parts of Earth Kingdom. It isn't particularly common elsewhere." Toph answered dryly, interrupting whatever Aang was going to say.

He pouted.

"The tale would be more interesting..."

"It's just a silly dirt old story," Toph cut him off uncompromisingly.

  
  


Katara took one look into Aang's large sad-kitten-pup-like eyes and sighed. "Toph, please. I would like to hear this tale."

"Ugh, _fine_. But if what you told me about the North Pole is true, you won't like it either!"

Aang's smile grew slightly taut. "This story is a little... old fashioned. It's a bit distorted by some of the old Earth Kingdom gender traditions."

Katara pursed her lips, trying to not get angry in advance. Old gender traditions usually didn't mean anything good. Aang coughed, as if unsure if he really should tell the story, but resumed after she shrugged at his asking glance.

  
  


_A long time ago only spirits existed in both worlds. There were no people at all. One day, the spirit named Fa wanted to have children with his wife, the spirit named Tao. They didn't like the children of Agni and Tui..._

  
  


"Wait, aren't they supposed to be siblings?" Sokka asked in clear disgust.

"Uh... Yes! But the people who came up with this legend thought about them as a husband and wife," awkwardly explained Aang.

"And how they ended up as a siblings then?" Wondered Sokka quietly, but didn't say anything else, allowing Aang to continue.

  
  


"So, they didn't like neither the star children of Agni and Tui, nor the lively river-spirits children of Tui and La..."

"Wow, Tui really got them all," Toph snorted. Katara grimly shushed her, already starting to feel uncomfortable with the story. She knew that old tales tended to be inconsistent and often hard to believe, but after a lifetime of believing in Tui and La as inseparable unit it was strange to hear something different.

(Even if there wasn't Tui and La anymore. They were Yue and La now, but she still couldn't bring herself to think about it. To let this thought truly sip into her mind. She wondered, if Sokka felt the same. He still used old saying after all. She have to hear him saying "Yue and La" instead of "Tui and La" yet. She hoped she never would. It just felt so _wrong_ —)

  
  


Aang is talking, she said to herself. She let his voice wash over her. To carry her away from thoughts so bitter and painful.

  
  


_They wanted someone gentle and modest, someone who would obey them implicitly. So they decided that it would be best if the will make themselves children out of things from our world, so that they wouldn't have spiritual powers and will have to rely on their parents forever, thus always expressing towards them only respect and admiration._

_They passed through the veil between our world and spirits', and started their search. In his wandering, Fa came across a large oak tree. It was firm and strong, just like Fa himself. Satisfied with his finding, he carved out of oak a figure that resembled his own and breathed a life into it. This was the First Man._

_Tao searched for something suitable much longer, but nothing attracted her eyes. In the end, she stopped to rest in the meadow generously lit by Agni's grace and accidentally found a beautiful flower growing at the very center of it. The flower was red as the sunset and just as beautiful. Tao was charmed by the flower's radiance and breathed a life into it. This was the First Woman._

_Then Fa and Tao presented their children to each other and taught them how to survive in their world by relying on each other. Tao taught the Woman how to take care after the Man, to prepare his food and sew his clothes. Fa taught the Man how to protect the Woman, how to hunt for prey and build shelters from bad weather. Man and Woman lived in harmony as Tao and the Fa watched them proudly._

_But one day, Tao noticed that once belonging only to her Fa's gaze full of love and passion, now was far too often directed at the Woman._

  
  


"Wait, aren't they their children?"

"Old stories can be very strange," Aang shrugged apologetically. "Monk Gyatso told me that this story is almost ten thousand years old. Social norms were probably very different then."

"Or these spirits are just really messed up," Toph chuckled.

"Same opinion here," Sokka muttered. "Anyway, I'm really glad to live now, even with all this Fire Nation evil evilness."

Katara simply nodded. She would definitely hate living ten thousand years ago.

Aang sighed, "Can't disagree."

  
  


_Broken by grief and tormented with jealousy, Tao didn't know what to do. She loved her husband too much to quarrel with him, so she only could suffer in silence or take her rage on the Woman._

_And since she couldn't take her gift away from Woman by force, because only dishonorable spirits did this and she would be condemned by others for it, she decided to act differently._

_The Man with the Woman already had several sons, but not a single daughter. All sons were blessed with life by the Fa, and Tao would have to bless the girls. However, when the Woman finally had her first daughter, the babe as beautiful as her mother, she was born lifeless, like a flower plucked in a bud. All the next daughters were the same. Grief-stricken, Man and Woman desperately prayed for Tao's mercy. In the end, Tao, satisfied with the Woman's pain, softened and offered her a deal: the Woman would give Tao's blessing, that kept her young and beautiful, back. With time she would suffer the same fate as all flowers — she would wither away. And Tao, in return, will gift to her daughters life. The Woman agreed. The next newborn girl was as quiet and lifeless as her sisters, but before her mother could cry in despair, Tao appeared._

_She had a small flower in her hands, tiny violet, that usually hid quietly in the shade of the trees, it was modest and unremarkable. But when Thao laid it down near the babe, she took her first breath._

_"Put these flowers in the cradle of all your newborn daughters, and they will be gifted life," Tao said. The Woman complied, and all her next daughters survived, just like their sister did. With time flowing, the Woman's beauty faded, her white skin turned yellow like autumn grass, and her hair lost it's vibrant color, and she herself became all wrinkled and shriveled. Her daughters lived and grew, but none of them was as beautiful as their mother, none could even dream to match Tao, and none caught the Fa's gaze. They were all modest and simple, just like flowers that were laid near them after their birth. But they were gifted life and therefore was happy. And until now, the deal of the Woman with Tao is revered by mothers, as a token of gratitude and respect._

  
  
  


"You were right Toph, it's a terrible story," Katara muttered bitterly, after a long pause of silence, that took over them once Aang finished.

"My parents kept making me listen to things like this. They always hired some old hags with the nastiest voice imaginable. Just think about it: two hours a day of sitting with Mrs-sit-straight-and-be-silent-lady-Toph and listening to such nonsense."

"I'm surprised you didn't ran away a long before we came to Gaoling," Katara sighed. Toph only grinned.

"This story is indeed very patriarchal. You think Zuko believes in it?" Sokka mused.

"Nah," Toph waved her hand. "Almost no one knows actual story. This shit is old, older than even Oma and Shu origin maybe, and way less pleasant to hear. It mostly only nobles who gets stuffed with this kind of bullshit since their childhood, we call it education. Among commoners though, it's just a small belief that the violets are gifts to friendly spirits who will bless their newborns with good health. And if the violets aren't found, any other flower will do."

  
  
  


“I've never heard of this myth either,” Suki said and Katara remembered that despite being neutral, Kyoshi is technically still the Earth Kingdom, at least most of it's culture is. With island's isolation and blue clothes, it always felt somehow different. "And we don’t bring flowers either. Usually our newborn girls are given hair ribbons or some other nice little trinkets."

"Well, it's comforting to know that this story isn't very popular. Why is it that in all old legends, women's lives always suck?" Katara threw her hands up, frustrated.

"Well, not in all..." Aang tried awkwardly to calm her down.

  
  


"In most!"

Aang considered. "The monks often told me stories where boys suffered no less than girls. They were considered educational, but even back then not everyone liked them. Gyatso always said they were too cruel and prefered telling funny ones, with spirits like Blue Spirit and such. Sometimes, during pilgrimages, I would tell both kinds to my friends, and they would tell me theirs, often very similar. This is how I learned this one by the way, Bumi thought it was really stupid. He really often mocked old tales like this! Monk Tashi would probably be unhappy with his disrespect for the old traditions," Aang laughed. Aang's eyes were shining, his whole face lit up by bright smile. Katara decides, that from now on she will ask him to talk about the Air Nomads culture and his past more often. She rarely did, fearing that it will hurt him, but he seemed to be genuinely happy right now.

He babbled about the his old shenanigans for a good five minute, before slowing down and saying, “But you know, you’re right. Even in the legends of the Air Nomads and the Nation of Fire, there are actually quite a lot of especially nasty old stories with girls. Oh, once Kuzon told me a really creepy one about a girl whom some Spirit wanted to marry, but she didn't want to and so he curs—”

"What do you mean by 'even'?" Sokka interrupted, sounding surprised.

"Oh, I thought I told you, Air Nomads didn't divide people by gender since from very far ago—"

"Nah, I remember that. The Air Nomads were cool and everything, but what does the Fire Nation have to do with it?" Sokka said incredulously.

"Oh, uh, there is gender equality in Fire Nation," Aang said in a tone that suggested it was an obvious fact. "Since about the time of Avatar Szeto, I guess?" He suggested, a bit less confident.

"What?!"

"Duh, Snoozles" Toph clicked her tongue. Katara had noticed a while ago that she did this more often than rolling her eyes, probably forgetting she could do it. Toph actually had a very honest face when she didn't put her guards on. "Haven't you notice? A lot of soldiers whose asses we kicked were women. Besides, haven't we been chased by an actual crazy Princess and her girlfriends for almost a month?" 

Katara bit her lip in embarrassment. To be honest she didn't notice it either. And how could she, with all the soldiers wearing the same stupid armor! But the point about the Fire princess was valid.

"I thought she was like you!" Sokka shouted, pointing his fingers at the both Katara and Toph.

They bristled in synch. "What?!"

"Wait! Calm down!" Sokka raised his hands in calming (and slightly surrendering) gesture. "I meant like you in being freaky whateverbending prodigy way!"

Katara crossed arms over her chest, and tried to put on her face the best of her unimpressed expressions. She suspected it wasn't very convincing, given how hot her blushing cheeks felt.

  
  
  


"Who is Azula?" Suki asked, and Katara barely stopped herself from flinching.

She really hoped that Suki would never run into Azula. The girl was a wonderful warrior, but Fire Princess was an actual monster in fight. They barely managed to run away from her in that abandoned city, even considering that Katara already had her title of the waterbending master, and Toph considered herself the greatest earthbender in the world and the additional help they got.

"This is a princess of the Fire Nation and a really nasty enemy to deal with. I would recommend you to be extremely careful in case you even hear that she is somewhere nearby. And I'm not saying this out of simple paranoia." Sokka explained, both his voice and expression hard. This was probably the first time he had admitted himself being overprotective, Katara realized. "She was hunting us down ever since we visited Omashu, and I must say that for all almost supernatural hunting instincts that old creep Zhao has, I would take him over her any day."

  
  
  


"Now that we are talking about it, we haven't seen her for quite some time," Katara suddenly realized.

(And remembering when and in what circumstances they had last seen her, she couldn't help but clench her hands into fists. The sensation of nails digging into her palms did a poor job of distracting her from almost suffocating shame—)

“Almost a month,” Toph confirmed grimly. Katara knew that she was worrying more than she showed, and wasn't surprised by her knowing exact date.

"Did they really send their Princess for you? Even if she's a strong warrior, that's pretty weird," Suki said thoughtfully. "Unless she might have chased someone else besides you. Someone very important."

"The Avatar is pretty important, you know," Sokka chuckled.

"He is also a powerful bender, who can take on entire fleets. I meant politically important," countered Suki and sticked out her tongue at him. Katara noticed that he blushed on it. Ew, sometimes her older brother was just gross like this.

"Well, whatever the reason is, I hope she won't show up any time soon," Top said bluntly.

Katara wasn't sure if her assumptions were correct, but Suki's musing and Princess' disappearance right after their downright disastrous confrontation in that abandoned city spoke volumes about their validity, and what if—

  
  
  


"Okay now. Guys, I would love to continue sharing knowledge about our cultures or gossip about how freaking terrifying fire princesses are some more, but I think we should use our time productively and pay attention to the elephant lion in the boat." Sokka slowly locked eyes with each of them, and there was a familiar sharp look on his face he always had during making his plans or discussing something important. "What are we going to do with Zuko?"

"Didn't we decide to wait until Ba Sing Se to discuss this?" Aang asked, sounding uncertain.

"We will discuss this with Zuko at Ba Sing Se. But before that, we must talk about this just between ourselves, so that later you or my baby sister won't look into his big eyes... eye of a bear-orca cub and persuade Toph and me to leave him." Sokka said, crossing his arms defensively.

"You. Convince you. Because _I_ vote for Zuli to stay with us and that's the end of discussion," Toph shrugged, started to pick her toes.

Sokka gaped.

"What? Listen, Toph, I understand that he probably impressed you with the whole trying-to-save-you thing, to be honest, he impressed me too, but we have to discuss everything using actual logic—"

"Screw logic. Zuli should stay, that's all," she said in flat tone, then waved her hand dismissively and continued picking her toes.

Before Sokka could protest further, Aang awkwardly cleared his throat and said, "I also vote for accepting Zuko. Yesterday we..." His face seemed uncertain, as if he wasn't sure whether to share with them about what happened. "We talked. About different things. I'm sure he's not a bad person." And there was firm conviction in his eyes. He looked so mature and wise like this that Katara's heart skipped a beat for a second. She was so proud of him.

"Ugh. I should have seen this coming. Looks like we're adopting one more feral child," Sokka rubbed his face wearily, then lifted his palms and glanced at Katara, weak hope in his eyes, "Unless?.."

"I don't think Zuko is a bad person either." Katara says. "And he looks... so lonely. I think he needs us."

"Ugh, Tui and La, this is even worse than when you brought that bear-orca cub in our hut!" Sokka groaned, his face miserable. "See what I have to deal with?" he whined to Suki. The girl was barely holding back her laugh.

"Come on, Sokka. Zuko seems like a nice kid," Suki said and giggled. "And don't tell me you would be all fine with kicking him out either. I saw your face when you fished him out of the water."

"He looked like he was about to pass out right in the sea and drown! I may not be the man who adopts bear-orca cubs, but I'm also not one who drowns them!" Sokka huffed indignantly.

  
  


Suki seemed to recall something, because the next moment her face was calm and collected again, no trace of previous amusement.

"He still swam to shore almost as quickly as I did," Suki said, and tapped her lower lip thoughtfully. "And the way he is walking. It looks like he has some experience in stealth and maybe hand-to-hand. I'm not sure that even I can walk so quietly."

Toph perked, "He seems to know southern traditions well enough, but his accent is pure, like of a capital or other big deal city's resident. And educated one to the boot." She said casually, but something in her tone revealed she was carefully choosing words. Katara decides that she is clearly hiding something.

“Hm, he also bows in different ways to each of us, and it doesn’t look sloppy so it’s not by an accident. By the way, I don't remember Ying or Than saying anything about being from the south,” Sokka added, his brows furrowing in deep concentration.

  
  


Katara thought about a leather pouch with herbs she had put in Sokka's bag to not lose it somewhere. She remembered the look on Zuko's face when he described all the horrors that come with drugs. A _knowing_ look on his face. Then she took a deep breath and said, "To be honest, the way he talked about... drugs scared me. It was quite disturbing."

“It was absolutely creepy,” Toph nodded.

"I agree," Aang mumbled, a bit pale.

  
  


"Yes, me too." Sokka looked away from them for a second. Then sighed and said in a deliberately cheerful voice: "So, just to get it clear: we all don't consider Zuko a bad person, but at the same time think that he is still damn suspicious. And that's not counting how he looks. Not to be racist or anything," Sokka fidgeted awkwardly.

For a second, Katara didn't understand what he was even talking about. More precisely, she didn't want to understand it. They haven't known Zuko long enough, but she really didn't think he was a bad person. And admitting that he has something even remotely in common with monsters like Zhao or Azula—

_How_ he could come out this way.

"What does he look like?" Toph asks, puzzled.

_Don't ask_ , Katara wants to say. _It will make it real if you ask._

"Ugh, right," Sokka winced, and Katara's heart grew cold, already knowing what he will say next. "He looks very Fire Nationey, Toph."

"What does it mean?"

This means that Zuko has pale skin, which the Sun doesn't touch, doesn't burn, as no parent will do this to their child and all of them are as much of it’s children as Katara and Sokka the Moon’s, and disgusting yellow eyes that should belong to wicked wild animal and not a person, the eyes that Katara tried so hard not to look at all this time— 

  
  
  


"You probably know that some of us look different..." Sokka began, but fell silent when Toph angrily interrupted him.

"I know that! I mean, you really think he's the Fire Nation? Why didn't you said anything about it before, then?!"

And Sokka started mumbling something, he did, but as soon as first sounds flew out of his mouth he choked on them. He looked on Toph's face, and couldn't do it to her.

Did he saw Katara in her?

  
  


“Toph,” Katara called her softly. She didn't want to say it, it made her _sick_ to even think about it, but someone had to explain. "There are other reasons why someone might look fire."

There is a moment in which Toph didn't react in any way. The moment, when Katara had to swallow bile that has risen to her throat, dreading that she will have to explain in details.

But then Toph gasped.

  
  


“Oh,” Toph's eyes widened. For a moment, her always so bold and cocky face _crumples_ and she looks so, so painfully _young_. "But this... But it can't be. Zuko doesn't... They don't do this to people like his parents..."

Katara wasn't sure what she meant by it, she didn't care. Their world is beautiful, but it's also cruel, and there was very few things that were more terrible than Toph, so strong and confident, staggering at the harsh reminders of it's horrors. 

When Katara walked up to Toph and wrapped her arms around her, Toph didn't resist. She was hard rock, rigid sculpture of a little girl in her hands, her voice pure hatred as she seethed, "This is not fair. This is disgusting."

Katara didn't know what to say to that. She hugged her tighter.

Distantly, she registered a wounded sob. _Aang_ , her heart clenched. She wanted to console him, protect him, but there was a little girl in her arms, who needed comfort just as much, and Katara had no choice but to trust her brother.

  
  
  


Toph pulled herself together in a matter of minutes. She pulled away from Katara, patting her awkwardly on the back. There was a strange mixture of gratitude and grim resentment on her face. She nodded to Sokka to continue. Katara noticed that her brother wasn't sitting in his original place by fire. He was next to Aang now, his arm wrapped around the paled boy's shoulders, the weight both comforting and grounding. Suki sat on Aang's other side, gently squeezing his trembling hand. Katara felt grateful and devastated at the same time. She didn't want Aang to know this side of the war.

Sokka coughed, clearing his throat. He looked guilty, but there still was remnants of calculating coldness on his face. He tried very hard to hold himself together. For them.

"Either way. He could still be a spy for the Fire Nation. And honestly, with his skillset, it seems to be more plausible option." He sais, voice wavering in fake optimism.

No one even smiled, but tension dropped a bit. Katara wants to hug him too, and maybe cry a little, grateful.

  
  


They all reluctantly nodded.

  
  


"But we also know that not all of the Fire Nation is pure evil. I mean, Shyu helped us in the temple, after all. And Jeong Jeong was really nasty, but not I'm-gonna-burn-to-death nasty. So… So I propose for Zuko to temporary join us, and if in — I don't know — a month, anything incredibly terrible won't happen to us, or at least not by _his_ fault, we will take him in for real. And if it will be _his_ fault, we get rid of him. Everyone agree?"

For a few seconds a heavy silence hung in the air. Katara stared intently at her hands. There was nothing distracting on them here. She sighed. Sokka's offer was perfectly reasonable, but she still felt cold in her stomach from thinking about just discarding another boy after spending entire month with him as a team member and friend. 

She felt cold from thinking that he might be a monster.

  
  


"Guys, we don't have the whole day. I'm pretty sure Zuko is about to return."

All of them were fidgeted a little more, but in the end, each agreed. Katara whispered her "okay", feeling inexplicably guilty.

  
  
  


****

  
  
  
  


"But we also know that not all of the Fire Nation is pure evil. I mean, Shyu helped us in the temple, after all. And Jeong Jeong was really nasty, but not I'm-gonna-burn-to-death nasty. So… So I propose for Zuko to temporary join us, and if in — I don't know — a month, anything incredibly terrible won't happen to us, or at least not by _his_ fault, we will take him in for real. And if it will be _his_ fault, we get rid of him. Everyone agree?"

  
  


Zuko froze at the edge of a tree branch he had climbed after noticing a small nest. He wasn't going to eavesdrop, he had already found the suitable flowers and if it hadn't been for the stupid new habit of collecting any food he came across (and he didn't even eat most of it, needing increased wariness that hunger and therefore physical distress gave him thanks to the curse, spirits, he is such an idiot—), he wouldn't have been in this situation. He probably should do something, letting them know that he was hearing them.

But.

They _talked_ about _him_.

And Zuko really need to know what they decided.

So, he froze, sitting still on the branches of this spiritsdamned tree, pressed close to rough trunk and afraid to even breathe too loudly. He knew he was far enough away that they wouldn't notice him if he does so, but he didn't know about the range on which Toph feet could see, and really didn't want to think about what they would do to him once they realize that he was eavesdropping on them.

  
  


"Guys, we don't have the whole day. I'm pretty sure Zuko is about to return." 

  
  


More silence. Zuko held his breath.

And they agreed.

Of course they agreed.

  
  
  


And Zuko didn't have to look in the future to know that nothing good would come of their decision. Zuko always, _always_ messed things up.

  
  


He was doomed.

  
  
  
  
  


****

  
  
  
  
  
  
  


(But even he was surprised when they got to the Ba Sing Se walls at sunset, and saw this huge fucking drill with the giant Fire Nation insignia slapped on it, slowly but surely making it's way to the wall of the city, that was called the Impenetrable just a day ago.

Zuko couldn't help, but choke out a small hysterical giggle. He really is cursed.)

  
  
  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello, Azula here!  
> I'll say right away that I changed some things in this fic and maybe made her even more formidable... Is it because Zuko wasn't around? Gaang is certainly very afraid of her!
> 
> I know that gaang could have come out as pretty harsh in their suspicion, but I thought about it, and while Zuko is certainly very miserable, he is also stupidly suspicious. Poor baby.  
> So, they are still a bit wary of him. But every single one of them already started to feel for this poor boy, so you just wait!
> 
> I felt bad writing part about watchildren, but that's pretty much only logical, given that Zuko is clearly Fire nation, but in the show was never called out at his quite distinct features. It also made sense for me that Toph who had pretty sheltered upbringing (also Gaoling didn't seem to be very influenced by war, so there were probably less horrors that she would be able to pick on during Rumbles) and Aang wouldn't be aware of the topic. I imagine that there should have been at least a few warchildren, maybe already adult at age, in Southern Water Tribe, so that even Katara, who is barely teen, would know about it. Poor babies!
> 
> II also remember that baby Hope was sleeping in canon when Aang came to see her, but I just thought it will make a cute scene if she wasn't asleep. I know most babies eyes are quite blurry so soon after birth, but some of my cousins were born clear eyed and obviously seeing.
> 
> The drugs joke was dumb, because that's the way my sense of humor is, but I swear those meds will be relevant later (no addictions in this fic tho, these are really just a meds). 
> 
> I also mused a lot about this fic's future plot and decided that I don't want to rewrite canon completely (not that there is something wrong with it), and will probably throw at gaang a lot more of spirit's crap to deal with. Thus, I took off all restrains from myself. I know the tale in this chapter might seems to be not very substantive, but I dropped a few hints here and there that might sprung later in story. I randomly named spirits after some manga characters in my drafts, but after I checked their names meanings it kind of fitted. In Chinese Fa means "beginning" and Tao means "peach, long life".
> 
> Lmao, Aang remembering some very relevant Fire Nation story and about to tell it: get's interrupted by Sokka --> forgets everything a second later, as a huperactive child that he is.
> 
> In the next chapter: Drill. Zuko unsheathing those fancy swords of his. Azula! Sokka isn't amused at all.


	5. The Drill

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which everyone's past reminds of itself in all the wrong ways.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Warning: panic attacks, a bit of dissociation, self-harm (both for future prediction and as tool a for grounding oneself), self-deprecation and poor coping mechanisms, a couple of F-bombs, implied-referenced torture, two characters ended up with dislocations. Zuko is a real mess in this chapter, and so is a lot of his pov.  
> Also, there is a barely-there-hints and mention of past maiko. I don't think I will be writing this pairing in this work (I'm very much zukki stan, so if Zuko will have any romantical relationship once he gets better, it most likely will be light zukki). However, I see maiko's relationship as an important part of their past and personalities. They were also closer friends here than in canon, so don't be surprised by possible inaccuracies.
> 
> It was quite difficult for me to write this chapter, since I absolutely can't write good action. But I still hope you will be able to find something enjoyable in it. And yay, the plot is slowly gaining it's momentum.  
> Please don't be shy to correct mistakes in text and leave feedback of any kind! It's one of the few sources of positiveness in my life right now.
> 
> Cun - Chinese inch, about 3 cm in length.
> 
> Fat is Piandao's butler, in case someone doesn't remember his name (like I did, lmao, I'm so sorry).
> 
> Also, look at this _beautiful_ strip made by Elswind! I think it perfectly depicts Sokka's feelings. And look how freaking adorable bby Zuko is!  
> https://imgur.com/O5nxn3O  
> (I have no idea how to insert pics in ao3, so I kind of just dropped the link, sorry!)

The sensation of Suki's warm lips still lingered on his own, when Aang with serious, almost grim, face said that they must see something important. By important, the kid meant a giant drill heading straight for the wall, and Sokka, looking at her, stupidly couldn't think of anything other than that kiss.

He wasn't actually ready yet, not with his heart still raw and aching every moonlit night, but he wanted to be, so kissed her. He kissed her, and it was sweet and gentle and perfect, it didn't feel neither like their first fervent and hasty kiss at Kyoshi, nor like his and Yue's last one, bitter from unshed tears. He kissed Suki, and there was a promise in the touch of their lips. It said "see you" instead of "farewell". 

"Take care," he said to her as goodbye, and it came out easy, so easy. He liked this feeling.

"You too, big guy," she giggled, finally at ease herself, and it was such a beautiful sound.

He wanted to hear more of it.

Thinking about it now, he could have said so much more to her, but he didn’t, and now there’s a huge drill against the wall, and if they don’t stop it, there will be no wall, no Ba Sing Se, no small ferry station.

  
  
  


And then there was a small choking sound behind him, and he didn't immediately understand what exactly that was. Laughter, Sokka realized with a second delay. The giant drill is about to break through the walls of the Earth Kingdom's last stronghold, and someone just fucking laughed at it.

Not someone. Zuko.

  
  


Hot anger seized him, how could they even for a second believe in his sincerity? He felt it! He knew that little brat was too suspicious to be trusted! 

Sokka turned around with hastily, planning to grab him by the collar and do something, maybe shake his soul out of it's scrawny shell, he wasn't sure yet, but stopped before even raising his hand. All fight left him as soon as he looked at the kid.

Zuko was very obviously freaking out. He was paler than snow, and his good eye was huge and glassy and terrified. He stood very, very still, not even seeing Sokka and his outburst. His gaze was hooked to the drill, and he was looking like the end of the world was starting before him. (Which is probably exactly what was happening right now.)

Sokka took a deep breath, forcing himself to calm down, and turned away, feeling oddly guilty. It wasn't the time for him to take his panic out on random traumatized children. They needed to protect the city.

  
  
  
  
  


*****

  
  
  


“Two girls ambushed us. One of them hit me with a bunch of quick jabs, and suddenly I couldn’t earthbend, and I could barely move. And then she cart wheeled away, ” said the man lying on the infirmary's bed

And Zuko, who was holding his breath entire time, suddenly couldn't breathe. Couldn't see. He just... couldn't.

Ty Lee was here. And what are the chances that she was here without Azula? None. Azula was here, spirits, maybe even Mai too. His little sister was here, preparing to take over the city, and Zuko is right here, vulnerable as rabbitmouse whose burrow has been found by fox-iguana.

Does she even know I'm alive, Zuko wondered frantically. Or it will be surprise, a nice bonus to her first military victory (which will also be Fire Nation's biggest one in almost fifty years, because of course it will be, this is Azula—)

Did _father_ know that he was going to be here?

He— he never made it clear if anyone other than him and Zuko's tormentors knew. Maybe... Maybe Azula knew, knew from the very beginning, and she is here to catch Zuko, to trap him, return into the cold darkness of his cell without windows, without warmth and light and hope.

 _No_ , someone screamed desperately in his head. _No_.

Zuko couldn't breathe. Couldn't see. He...

  
  
  


“Hey,” a voice cuts through the thick fog of panic in his head. "Hey! Breathe."

But Zuko couldn't, not in this little dark coffin of the prison cell. There was no air to breath, there was no life.

  
  


"Zuko!" Someone shouted right into his ear, and their hands (strong and warm, almost hot) grabbed him by shoulders (trapped him) and shook. Hard.

This someone's fingers held him with almost bruising strength, and hard pressure on the delicate skin of his scars, even after all these days, almost stung.

Zuko latched onto that vaguely familiar sensation, let tiny echo of pain snag him like a fishhook on fish and drag him out of the turbulent river of hated memories right to the surface of reality.

  
  


“I'm good,” he croaked, although he really wasn't. "Good."

"Well, it definitely doesn't look like you are," Sokka said, clear doubt ringing in his voice. It was his hands that held Zuko, pulled him back to the surface.

Zuko said nothing. He breathed, deep and measured, fresh air in lungs not doing anything to extinguish raging fire of panic in his chest, but at least he managed to stop shaking. He hoped he did. Zuko hesitantly looked around. Toph was the closest to him, her face paler than usual, fists clenched tight. Right behind stood Katara and Aang, both wide-eyed and tense. This made him wish he wouldn't dare to look at them at all.

  
  


Wanting to hide from their stares, he tried to hunch his shoulders, but couldn't. Sokka's warm hands (warm, he had to tell himself, not hot) were still holding him (holding, not trapping). He still flinched a bit, and the other boy immediately released him.

"Oops, sorry about that. You just didn't respond to my voice and I..." Sokka began, but Zuko shook his head. “It's okay,” he said, feeling uneasy. He took a step back. While the touch did worked like an anchor, he still couldn't stand the sensation of it for long. Stability it gave was fast to turn into feeling of being trapped.

Sokka shifted awkwardly from foot to foot.

“Listen, if you don’t want to go, we will understand. We are already in the city, you can stay here, safe. We still haven't even discussed whether you will be in the group at all. We will figure it out ourselves.” He said, sounding almost nonchalant, but his eyes was attentive and understanding.

Katara took a step towards Zuko. Her eyes, just a shade darker than her brother's, had the exact same expression. "We really will, we're pretty strong, you know."

"Sugar Queen is right. And your scrawny butt very likely won't make any difference anyway." Toph said, grinning wickedly, but Zuko could see that her fists were still clenched.

“We won't judge you. No one should fight if they don’t want to,” the Avatar added quietly, his eyes full of sadness, as if they saw right through Zuko.

  
  


For a second, with heart skipping a beat, Zuko allowed himself to doubt. He knew they were powerful, he saw it many times. They got out of situations with which even the bests of best would struggle, unscratched. They didn't really need Zuko. His firebending was subpar at best, he was still exhausted after the desert and also hadn't seen Azula in _years_ , and even then, long ago in the training grounds of Caldera's palace, he never managed to beat her. Even with his predictions.

He was utterly useless.

He couldn't fight, not against firebending master, not agaisnt his little sister with whom he once used to listen to his mother's stories and play in heroes.

  
  


Zuko wanted to agree and stay, he really wanted to. There was almost nothing he wanted more than to remain here, behind the wall — even if it was about to collapse — and not meet Azula. Maybe he would have even managed to get to the inner wall before her and find Uncle-

But that was the point, wasn't it. 

Even if Zuko could find Uncle, it would be pointless with city captured and Avatar defeated. From the very beginning their goal was to find the Avatar so that Uncle can teach him firebending while Zuko will protect both of them. All of them. This was his mission, his destiny. He promised that he would not give up without a fight.

(Even if the grip of this promise felt just like steel handcuffs cutting deep into skin of his wrists.)

If he run away and let the world crumble, then what was the point of his survival?

He couldn't do it. He had no right.

"No," he croaked out. "I'll go with you."

  
  
  


For a few moments, Sokka looked like he wanted to argue, but then he nodded. Good, Zuko thought, they really didn't have time for it. “Okay. I’m betting that this thing is full of guard on the top of danger ladies, so an extra pair of hands will be very handy.”

"You are terrible. I hate you." Katara groaned. 

Zuko was pretty much agree with her.

  
  
  
  


*****

  
  
  
  


“It was boring too,” Mai said immediately after they returned, her voice cold and indifferent, her breathing as smooth as a firebender's.

Ty Lee tensed for a split second before relaxing: Azula only twisted the corner of her beautiful mouth in a light smirk. For some reason, she was acting a bit differently recently. (Although if Ty Lee was honest with herself, she would admit that Azula had been a little different ever since the moment they met again after three years apart.) She was distant and cold, a sheathed blade. Still dangerous, but not threatening. Nothing common with the way she behaved in the last days before their separation. Even her aura that looked like raging storm of dirty black and blue at the time, was now hidden, only small stray sparks danced from time to time on her white face or sharp nails not hidden by fingerless gloves.

She was still terrifying, of course, but it was that type of terrifying Ty Lee could ignore or sometimes even try to appease. Azula loved it when she did. Sometimes she smiled, and it was a sparkling smile, tiny and hiding in the very corners of her carmine lips and usually cold eyes. Every time she would do this, Ty Lee could remember that they _were_ friends, once. She even could believe that they might be friends now.

"Why bother with this stupid city at all. I'm tired of the Earth Kingdom," Mai complained again. Her tone, though, was indifferent.

Ty Lee knew Mai wasn't telling the whole truth. Because, in truth, Mai would be bored everywhere, no matter if they were in the Earth Kingdom or returned to the Fire Nation. She would be just as cold and indifferent anywhere, her dark crimson aura restrained, all marred by depressed gray. Because the reason wasn't in place, but in people. People she didn't want to do anything with.

Sometimes Ty Lee wondered how Mai looked when she was alone. What she was like during all this years without Azula. Without Ty Lee. Was she happy? Was she smiling?

She could hardly remember her smile. The last person to see it died three years ago.

"Come on, Mai!" It will be much more fun in the city. So many targets to stab," she giggled. "Besides, if we help Azula conquer Ba Sing Se, we will go down in history as her loyal helpers! Isn't it incredible? The Great Princess of Fire Nation and her cool and pretty friends." She breathed out dreamily and spread arms as if trying to hug something huge. She wasn't even pretending, going down in history did sound cool.

Ty Lee loved lights of the circus, attention of the crowd, their awe and admiration. She was a star there. She missed it. (She missed her friends from there too, but she knew that some desires better left unspoken all too well.) How special would it make her, if she will help conquer an unconquerable city?

"Don't be like that, May," said Azula who kept silent till now, her silky voice dripping honey. “We have completed mission that Father gave me, but that doesn't mean we can't have a little fun on our way back home. Wouldn't it be a great irony to take over the city that my dear uncle failed to conquer right after I caught him?"

Ty Lee giggled once again. Put this way, it was really funny. Even if thinking about the poor old man himself, all alone in his cage, wasn't funny at all.

  
  


"We could have even taken over the rest of the Earth Kingdom after dealing with Ba Sing Se, make it easier for my father's troops. If only it weren't for my duties as a princess waiting me in Caldera," Azula sighed.

“What a shame, it surely would be an enjoyable field trip,” Mai said, not a drop of pity in her voice. But her words still hit Ty Lee unexpectedly. 

Because that was what they were doing in the essence, wasn't it?

Field trip. The way they chased after the Avatar even though they had no order to do so. How they were about to take Ba Sing Se right now. Ty Lee remembered time how as a little girl, so unremarkable among her sisters that she might as well have been invisible, she dreamed that one day she would get out from the bland garden of their family where all flowers was the same. How she will escape with the circus and travel around the world, so vast and boundless, so free. And before all of this became possible, she used to flee to Azula's palace. Huge with its forests of gardens, with its countless rooms and endlessly long halls, it felt like a whole new world on its own right.

But was it possible that it felt different for Azula?

Was this mission, that took so many sideways before being completed, her own escape?

If so, then just for a little bit, Ty Lee understood Azula better now.

  
  


Even if a tiny voice in the depths of her mind whispered that things couldn't be that simple. Not with Azula.

(Because sometimes it's better not to think too much. Ty Lee loved to dance over the abyss, but not when after looking down she would see it _burning_.)

  
  
  
  
  


*****

  
  
  
  


Apart from his initial freakout, Zuko was doing well. To be honest, Sokka wasn't all that thrilled with the idea of immediately taking a barely familiar kid into battle for the city, especially not after such a reaction to the mere sight of drill approaching it's walls. Therefore, Sokka kept an eye on him as they went closer to the gigantic machine, but there was nothing too suspicious about kid's behavior. Till now the strongest reaction he got was when Zuko flinched before jumping into Toph's tunnel and came out paler than usual (not that he was particularly tan to begin with), but Sokka could understand this. He was also not a big fan of enclosed dark spaces, one Cave of the Two Lovers under Omashu was more than enough for him, thank you very much.

The strangeness began when they approached the drill's hatch. (Which was either suspiciously or stupidly open and vulnerable to enter, Sokka would never make such a mistake in design of machine this important—) 

Zuko pulled out a really creepy looking mask from somewhere, and quickly put it on before running off them and jumping inside before even Aang did.

"What was that?" Sokka asked in bewilderment, kind of hoping it was just his imagination.

"Zuko put on some mask," Katara giggled, who for some reason seemed to find the whole thing funny.

"Did he do what? So dramatic," Toph snorted, and yeah, Sokka couldn't blame her, she didn't see how alarming this thing looked like, but...

"Guys, I'm waiting for you here!" Aang whined, he already jumped into the gap and was hanging upside down on a beam, reaching out for them, ready to help normal people with no eerie ability to hop around like creepy spirity hybrid of a child and cat-owl.

"Sorry, Aang!" Katara chirped, and climbed up.

And Sokka just... He just had to make an effort and get the whole thing out of his head. Toph refused to climb inside to try holding this thing from the outside and, judging by the loud clanging, hadn't much of success. They needed to hurry.

  
  
  


*****

  
  


"So... What's with all this opera thing?" Now, when they still had to hurry, but Sokka couldn't do much more than shout encouragements, he just couldn't resist his natural curiosity any longer. He made a vague gesture at the mask still hiding Zuko's face to make his question clearer.

To be honest, the way Zuko looked right now was also making him a little nervous, not only curious. The kid took off his baggy robe before they descended the wall, revealing underneath it all black clothes that hid his entire body up to the very chin. Sokka hadn't noticed it before, distracted by all the dirt and dust covering kid's way too loose for his size outerrobes, but now without them to distract his attention, it was suddenly obvious that not even patch of Zuko's skin was exposed. Even his hands were hidden behind thin, frayed gloves. Sokka tried to remember if he had them even during yesterday's dinner, and came to conclusion that yeah, he had. Dressed like this, the boy's thin figure almost merged with dim shadows of a poorly lit girders' room. Combined with his grinning mask, he looked positively creepy, more reminiscent to Sokka of a vagrant spirit than the kid who was about Aang's age all over again.

“Theater,” Zuko replied dryly, as if that somehow could satisfy Sokka's curiosity and silence him.

It couldn't. They had been here for probably half an hour already, and while Aang and Katara were at least busy with cutting through girder, he and Zuko was just standing here, virtually useless.

Well, Zuko was virtually useless. Sokka at least engaged in moral support while the kid stood with his back turned to working benders and stared intently at their escape route.

"That doesn't answer my question, dude."

  
  


"Isn't that the Blue Spirit?" Aang enthusiastically caught on opportunity to chat, being obviously bored too. "Man, I love his stories! Gyatso used to tell them to me all the time!"

The Blue spirit? Stories? Wait, so it wasn't just some theatre character? Sokka wasn't exactly superstitious person, but with a childhood spent listening to Gran Gran's old folktales made the thought of wearing real spirit's _face_...

"You can't do that!" blurted out his sister, who very much was a superstitious person. She even paused for a second in her and Aang's work and shot at Zuko a look full of concern. "Dressing up as real spirit is a bad omen! You can anger the real owner of this face."

( _Never joke with spirits, children_ , Gran Gran sometimes would tell during long polar nights, when darkness and cold forced them to huddle close to each other in cozy warmth of their tent. Shadows dancing under lights of their old oil lamp making her face look distant and ancient, like she was a spirit herself. _Many of them can and will twist your words and punish you or your loved ones. You don't want this._ )

  
  
  


Zuko, though, didn't look impressed by their concerns.

"It doesn't matter. The Blue Spirit's face hasn't belonged to him for a long time, everyone knows it," he said not even turning around to reply.

Before he and Katara could ask what _that_ meant, Aang's face lit up with understanding. "Wait, so that was the story Gyatso didn't want to tell me!"

"Ugh, what?" Sokka asked, not liking the way he didn't caught on what the boy was talking about.

"Gyatso always brushed me off saying that it's too scary for me! And then I learned that I was the avatar and we didn't have a time for stories anymore—" For a second his excited expression wavered, clouded with sadness, but then he widened his eyes and gasped. "So it really was him! I wasn't sure, but... Ugh, this is sad. I really liked stories with him."

Okay, now Sokka didn't understand anything at all. And Zuko, apparently, too.

"What do you mean?" he asked, finally turning his face— his mask, to Aang.

“Koh showed me his face when I visited his lair,” Aang answered nonchalantly.

  
  


And. 

Just. 

What?!

"When you visited his lair?!" Sokka and Katara squealed in unison.

"Koh?!" shouted Zuko, probably raising his voice for the first time since he joined them. And whoa, he could be loud. Very.

  
  


Then Zuko seemingly completely forgot about his intention to guard their way back and jumped to Aang, who out of surprise, almost dropped the water he was bending . Zuko's whole body was tense, stretched in one rigid line. Somehow he suddenly looked a lot taller than Aang, almost looming above him, seething anger painted all over him despite his face being still covered by mask.

"You talked to _Koh_?" He roared, his unnatural for it's owner's age and size voice rattling and heavy, every word sounding like an ice cracking at the dead of winter.

Aang, frightened, simply nodded.

"Why? What were you thinking?" Zuko barked. He sounded really angry. Furious.

  
  


"Hey—" Sokka began, because the last thing they needed right now was a fight. They had a city to save, damn it! 

But Katara interrupted him, yelling, "Stop threatening Aang! You're scaring him!"

  
  


Somehow, her words worked magic and Zuko instantly... fell apart? He flinched and took a large step back from Aang, almost jumped away to be completely honest. His figure that just a second ago literally towered over the younger boy, despite not being all that much taller, instantly lost it's intimidating aura. He was still tense and hard to read, but Sokka noticed how his hands were shaking slightly. “Sorry,” he rasped, sounding small and tired, almost exhausted.

  
  


"It's okay," Aang twitched, and smiled, expression too tight to not be fake.

"I had no right to scream at you. It's not my place to do that," Zuko shook his head.

“You just surprised me,” Aang's smile grew a little more sincere. "That's all."

Zuko nodded jerkily, but with the mask hiding his face it was difficult to understand what he was thinking about. He had already regained control over his hands, and now stood completely still.

  
  


"Um, I'm really glad no one is offended. But seriously, Aang, what the heck?" Sokka asked, because it seemed no one else was going to bring up that Aang had literally been in the lair of the most terrifying spirit ever.

  
  


And this was the moment when Katara's mothering instincts finally kicked to their fullest. "What were you doing in Koh's lair, Aang? What were you talking with him about? How did you escaped? He didn't do anything terrible to you? Tui and La, what were you thinking!" She bombarded the boy with questions, worry evident in her trembling voice.

"I can explain! Sorta," Aang said nervously.

  
  
  
  


*****

  
  
  
  


"That's it. I forbid you to speak to Roku ever again!" Katara snapped, water she was bending cutting into the steel girder especially deeply. Sokka distantly thought that in such a mood she could complete the task without any help from Aang.

"I'm the avatar, Katara! I can't just ignore my past life!" Aang whined, clearly regretting telling them about his spirit shenanigans at all. 

And Sokka was having none of that.

"You can, if he pushes you to make a deal with Evil itself!" He objected. Perhaps, he even understood Zuko now. Aang was just so damn reckless! Sokka almost trembled with rage, although unlike Zuko he directed it not at Aang, but at his past life. Of course, Aang really needed to find the spirits of the Moon and Ocean, but come on, really? There is no single way that Koh was the only spirit capable of helping him.

"But nothing happened to me, is it? I'm totally fine!" Aang protested, like the stupid child he was. As if to prove his words, he also hit the girder with quite impressive force, cutting deep into it's steel. Sokka couldn't help but sigh in annoyance, those overpowered magical children...

He was preparing to say exactly what he thought about Aang's "fine", when a quiet, but damn heavy question hang in the air.

  
  


"Are you?"

  
  


Sokka choked down on his unspoken tirade, surprised, and turned to Zuko, who remained silent throughout Aang's entire story (and stood so quietly that Sokka somehow managed to forget how it all started. Ugh, you know what, stupid creepy kids was even worse than overpowered magical ones.)

Zuko was looking at Aang, his mask facing him once again, it's dark eye sockets' gaze quite unnerving.

"What do you mean?" Aang tilted his head, puzzled.

"Spirits usually don't help for free. Even if you think they did, they could have just taken something without you even realizing it."

  
  


“Aang is perfectly healthy,” said Katara, who always healed all their injuries. Even small scratches, no matter how much she grumbled at Sokka afterwards. If anyone could judge about Aang's health, it would be her.

"Payment isn't always material. It can be anything," Zuko shook his head. "Sometimes they give instead of taking. And you won't like a gift from someone like Koh." And now there was something genuinely distressed in his voice. He sounded scared.

Maybe there really was something weird about this kid, Sokka thought. Just not the kind of "spirity weird" that he first thought of.

"It can't— He couldn't— I would have noticed!" Aang cried, sounding afraid too now, all confidence evaporated from his voice. The water in his turn wobbled slightly before being passed to Katara.

"Many don't," Zuko answered simply, and unpleasant coolness filled air, sending a chill down Sokka's spine.

You see, you can only be so skeptical, until your friend--and-also-bridge-between-worlds who has already defeated the enemy armada by merging with a giant Great spirit, is in a pretty real danger of being cursed.

  
  


"Aang isn't one of many," Katara said suddenly, her voice firm and confident. "He's an Avatar. We don't know if spirits even able to play with him the same way they do with ordinary people." She said, and didn't look like she was just comforting them, a strong conviction ringed in her words, charging them with some strange power. Katara looked worried, but not scared like Sokka. 

His strong little sister.

  
  


There was a silence for a minute, broken only by the ringing of cut girders' steel and rumble of giant engines. Then Zuko nodded. “You're right,” his voice was completely neutral. Sokka didn't know if he felt the same belief as they did after her words.

But Aang smiled slightly, apparently all hopeful again. Sokka just sighed. He would very much prefer that the last twenty minutes didn't happen at all, but obviously the universe believed that he lacked reasons for not being able to sleep at night.

  
  
  
  
  


*****

  
  
  
  


"Good work, team Avatar! Now—"

"Duck!" snarled Zuko, cold foreboding burning in his chest. He pushed Sokka to bend down, one of swords instantly pulled from their scabbard and slicing through the flames.

Blue flames. They were bright blue.

There was only one bender powerful enough to create something like this. He knew exactly who it was before even lifting his head to look.

  
  
  


It was hard to tell if Azula changed over the years. She has grown up a bit, of course, her figure longer, sharper. The face she had inherited from their mother now resembled her even more. But the air of danger and power that surrounded her remained same. Her expression was different, too. The last time he saw her, she smiled cruelly, anticipating, ( _good luck at Agni Kai, Zuzu—_ ), but now her mouth, painted with too mature for her age red, was pursed into strict line. Zuko's younger sister's gaze slid over him without actually seeing.

Zuko's breath hitched in his throat.

He grabbed standing next to him Sokka's hand, and rushed to the exit.

He couldn't fight her. Just couldn't.

Everything around him blurred, merged into a jumble of dull colors of corridors' walls, the hum of their steps and his own ragged breath. 

( _Firebending comes from the breath, never lose your breath_ , a voice rumbled in his head. Whose voice was that? Zuko didn't know. He couldn't breathe.)

  
  
  


The ringing of clashed steel. 

There was a charge of knives lying on the floor, bounced from the fine steel of the blades in his hand. He stared at them for a second.

_Danger!_ — something exploded in his head, and he turned to deflect another charge.

"Come on!" Someone shouted. Zuko looked and it was Sokka and Katara, and they were... half poked out of some kind of hatch?

Avatar. He need to find him. Where is Aang?

"Where is the avatar?" he croaked.

"Are you serious? We split up just a minute ago!" Sokka shouted angrily.

Why? Before he can ask Zuko, pink obscured his vision and he barely managed to dodge the real danger. Ty Lee, looking mildly surprised, dived into another attack, her hands reaching for him but not touching. Azula wasn't here and that could only mean that... Zuko took a step back, swung his blades just in time to deflect more knives, and shouted.

"Go! I will find the Avatar!"

"No—" Katara began, looking like she was about to climb out of the hatch and join him, but Zuko growled again.

"Go!"

There must have been something convincing in his voice, because she nodded and the next second she and her brother was completely hidden in the hatch. Zuko heard a splash of water distantly as he dodged another couple of quick jabs and Ty Lee huffed in annoyance, "Just who are you!"

Zuko didn't answer, ducking under her outstretched arm he slammed his left sword's hilt right at her wrist, deflecting another knife with right one. Something popped loudly, and she shrieked in pain and jumped back to create distance between them, her rapidly swelling wrist pressed tightly against chest. Just for a second everyone froze before the third combatant ( _Mai, this is Mai_ , something in Zuko's head screamed almost hysterically. Something that still didn't want to believe in reality of what was happening—) turned to panting Ty Lee and said, with voice cold, high and unfamiliarly mature, "Go get the waterbender, I'll take him on."

"You just don't want to go into slurry!" Ty Lee smiled weakly, her face still contorted with pain, but nodded obediently and ducked into the hatch.

  
  
  
  


Zuko did nothing to stop her. He needed to find the Avatar as soon as possible, and thus had no choice but believe in Katara's abilities.

Nobody said a word further. Mai was fast and deadly accurate, without Ty Lee she threw weapons without fear of hurting her, and despite the closed space that was uncomfortable for her, Zuko barely managed to dodge and beat them off even with his premonition and fire boiling in his body. For a second, he considered letting it loose, but quickly dismissed the thought. If they really didn't knew who Zuko was he didn't need to give them any more clues about his identity. (And he wouldn't be able to burn Mai anyway, not her.)

  
  
  


This is crazy, he thought, jumping away from the knives of girl that he knew when they both were just a children.

She is taller than me now, he noticed when she avoided the swing of his blade.

She is angry, he guessed, as her shoots got more aggressive. As the steel of her knives and darts and shurikens digged deep into walls and pipes instead of Zuko's flesh.

Then she threw several knives in one quick sequence, and one of them, even after getting blocked with the sword, awkwardly rebound and cut through his sleeve, leaving deep gash on his forearm. It stung violently, driving his instincts even further. He pushed, and she slowly but surely started to lose.

She was furious, her face a pale stone mask, but with eyes dangerously narrowed and thin lips pursed into strict pale line. And somehow, behind this angry face, he recognized the sligtly gangly teenage girl with whom he once shared his first kiss.

_It's crazy_ , Zuko thought, and leaped straight to the wall, bouncing off it and landing behind her. _I'm sorry_ , he wanted to say, as he striked her shoulder with the hilt of his sword just like he did with Ty Lee. There was a sickeningly loud clack when joint popped out of its socketm but she didn't scream, just grunted, stepping back and cradling her now limp hand close to body.

  
  
  


Zuko didn't relax, knowing full well that pain and one injured hand won't prevent her from stuffing him with steel with the other one.

But she only wearily rested her back against the wall and hissed, "Okay, get out. I don't care." Her face was a marble mask of indifference, but eyes that stared at Zuko was searing with fury.

If it was Azula, he would have thought it was a trick. But she was nothing like Azula. He used to love it in her, once. So, he slowly, facing her, walked back first to the bend of corridor. She only threw a knife after him the second he jumped into the corner, but did nothing further.

Zuko quickly picked up one of bounced off the walls knives scattered around, and ran.

  
  
  
  


*****

  
  
  


The avatar said that they would copy Ty Lee. Give the drill many hits and then the final one, the strongest. But the room with girders was empty. Could he be outside?

Finding a way out was easy.

But what was waiting for him outside wouldn't be.

  
  


Zuko froze at the top of the stairs to outside, right under the hatch. His body just stopped, refusing to move, refusing to obey. Breathe that leveled off during the fight with Ty Lee and Mai jumped again, losing its measured pace.

  
  
  


If he comes out now, he will have to fight Azula.

Azula, against whom he had never won in his life, whose flames burned and hurt viciously even before turning blue. Azula, whom he hadn't seen for three years, and who was his little sister, in order to find out about whose fate he burned and bled so many times in his dark cell.

Azula, who did not recognize him.

(Her face, smooth and beautiful and so, so much like their mother's, almost unchanged from that of the girl who smiled gleefully while their father was burning him, was now uncaring and cold. Her eyes, the cold amber of which slid indifferently over Zuko's figure, not seeing him, targeted only the avatar. The avatar, who was a child and had to save the world somehow, having no one but bunch of peers to protect him.)

Zuko took a deep breath.

That's right, there was nothing left in him that could have been recognized by her. It wasn’t just a mask.

  
  


There just was nothing left of once a bright-eyed boy, naive and scared.

  
  


He was not prince Zuko anymore. That boy died in prison. And whoever remained learned very well that there was no other choice, than fight.

  
  


He drew Mai's knife, deadly little thing, out of his sash where he tucked it in. The coolness of it's steel, straight and honest, was oddly comforting.

He heated the blade and pressed it tight against the open of his palm. It hurt. It was fine. That was exactly what he should have been feeling. Azula won't take anything less.

  
  
  
  


*****

  
  
  
  


He got just in time, a moment before Azula managed to burn the avatar's _face_. The boy dangled listlessly in her grasp, looking like he was out cold. He wasn't screaming or crying, but seething rage still exploded in Zuko's chest at the sight, filling his blood with hot hot hot fire, sparkling on his lips as he roared.

" _Azula!_ "

  
  


Low and guttural, scratching even Zuko's own ears, it stopped her for a tenth of a second, which was enough for the universe to interfere. The world staggered under their feet, and the sound of a drill hitting the wall pierced air as Zuko jumped towards them.

Mai's knife slipped from his fingertips with half-forgotten ease as he threw it at his little sister. Azula easily beat it off with her armored forearm, and at that moment Aang finally tensed in her hands, his eyes wide and horrified. Another moment later, he broke free from her grip, pushing her at the torso with his hand covered with stone.

  
  


"What are you doing here?" He screamed, staring at Zuko.

"Protecting you! Take care of the drill!"

"Well, aren't you sure of yourself?" Azula smiled, cold and cruel. And then she punched, flames precise and deadly exploding from her outstretched fingers.

Zuko dodged it somehow and moved forward, hilts of his blades digging into his fleshly burned palms painfully. Familiar sensation pulled something behind his eyes, drilling into his mind phantoms of Azula's movements split seconds before they would turn real.

She attacked him again, unbothered, blasts of her fire thin and scorching hot even without touching his skin.

Zuko didn't recognize her attacks, too advanced for his limited, even after a couple of months of training with Uncle, knowledge of firebending. He didn't recognize the humming power behind each blow either, it was unfamiliar to him who hadn't fought her for years. 

It was a doomed fight. Fighting non-benders, even as skillful and strong as Ty Lee and Mai, was completely different from fighting a bender, especially the likes of Azula. Benders' attacks could be long-ranged. Zuko won't be able to dodge everything, not without bending on his own.

  
  


It didn't take long until his brain, almost feverish with pain, saw Azula's next attack, but knew that he won't be able to escape it. Eerily slow in his prolonged with terror perception, the wide wave of fire cut through the air, aimed right at him, at his face—

  
  


Zuko dispelled the wave with a convulsive jerk of his hand just a second before it hit him. Too strong to dissipate completely, heat heated up his mask, his swords, pierced trough his burned palms and add to his pain some more.

“Firebender, then? And a rude one, calling your princess by name. What a disgusting little worm,” Azula smiled triumphantly, sending new swirls of hot, hot flames at him. She was getting serious. This time Zuko didn't manage to neither dodge, nor dispell the blast completely, the fire burning him for real.

Zuko grit his teeth and bit his lips and tongue, diving fully into pain, terror, hunger, and overwhelming exhaustion with everything and _pushed_ once more. He dodged next blow, extinguishing what he couldn't evade, and did all in his power to not let her close to Aang.

And then there was no signs of previous triumph on her face. Her grin looked cold and calculating again. Terrifying realization dawned on Zuko. He could move faster and dodge her blows with bending, letting his fire run through his veins, keeping it just a tap short from escaping through his skin, but that didn't mean anything. Azula could do that too, and her fire was stronger. He'll fizzle out faster than her.

"What? Won't you say anything? The cat-owl got your tongue? Or is it because Koh ripped your face off, Mr. Blue Spirit?" Her smirk grew sharper as she threw a long whip of blazing fire at him, and he physically couldn't escape it even with predictions or dispel enough to have an injury of managable levels simply because it was _too_ _hot_ , so he only did one thing that could help.

  
  


He lunged at her head first. 

The firewhip splashed against the steel of his swords, intense heat shooting straight up his hands. He slashed right at her, making her to take step back for the first time in this short fight. He saw her eyes widening, and then there was only pain. 

_—for a second there was another face, still hers, but with eyes manic and wild and scared, tears dripping down her cheeks, and she was laughing—_

  
  
  


And then the world shuddered again, and both of them was hit by the sea of mud.

  
  


They both flew off the drill, and he couldn't see her anymore, his own body falling down freely. 

  
  
  


*****

  
  


He didn't have time to get scared, only to prepare for the impact of hitting the ground and close his eyes when something unexpectedly enfolded him, pressing uncomfortably from all sides, but ultimately stopping his fall.

  
  


Zuko blinked. Something vaguely reminiscent of large version of water whip, but made out of mud, held him tightly and, before he could panic from the sensation of being trapped, dropped him to the ground, right into lake of slurry. With knees suddenly too weak he flopped to the ground, not caring about anything anymore.

  
  


Katara, who maybe had just saved him from a couple of fractures, run up to him and screamed:

"What the hell were you thinking?!"

Zuko closed his eyes, tired.

  
  
  


Several people were approaching. But that was okay, Zuko guessed, they won't hurt him. Probably. And even if they would, he didn't care. He was too tired to do so. The fire, remnants of which still ran through his veins, slowly faded away, greedily devouring remnants of his strength. He felt both too heavy and light at the same time.

  
  


Zuko fought Azula. Agni, he fought Azula, survived and escaped with minor burns. He couldn't believe it happened.

  
  


"You could have been killed!" Enraged female voice shouted very close.

Zuko was perfectly aware of it though. So why did she have to scream so much?

"Wow, Zuli, I suspected you were crazy, but one must be completely nuts to go fight the double-lightning-shooting fire princess! Tell me now, what would you do if she she tried to shoot you, block them with these stabby sticks of yours?" Childish voice cackled.

He didn't disagree. Everything about today was positively crazy. Including Zuko himself. 

But wait, what did she just said about lightning—

"Hey, Katara, is he okay? He might be hurt." The male voice said, sounding worried.

  
  


Someone took a step towards him. He felt a hand approaching even with his eyes shut.

He staggered back before he could have been touched (hurt).

"Zuko, it's okay. It's me, I will heal you if you are hurt," Katara said, holding out her hands, covered with water.

Zuko thought about new angry red burns on his hands, ragged gash on his forearm, thought about how nice it would be to wash them with cold water, and then he remembered.

  
  


...His skin crawling from the touch of other's, litting his mind on fire with old memories every time it happened. Fat's sad look as Zuko couldn't breathe after his attempt to change his bandages. Uncle's patient resignation, with him being the only one whose hands on his bare skin he could bear—

...Scars, ugly, sickeningly disgusting scars all over his skin like some kind of disease. Like an evidence of how much of a _monster_ Zuko is—

... _Promise me you won't let anyone know, nephew. Not without me to protect you, please_ , his Uncle begged.

As if Zuko deserved his protection.

But he promised, didn't he?

  
  
  


"No!" He shouted, pulling back. "I'm fine."

"Zuko..."

"I'm fine!" He snarled, curling his hands into fists. The fabric of his gloves was burned through and if she tried to heal him, she would definitely notice the scars. It will lead to questions and won't end well.

  
  


Zuko wasn't stupid. He knew she wouldn't harm him because she wanted so. She was a waterbending healer, not a torturer. He was already treated by waterbender, right? But that time Uncle was there. Uncle, with whom he didn't have to explain anything, who protected him from remembering _and_ talking. Who promised after, and took a promise in return, that Zuko won't be hurt. (Zuko has already broken his promise in part, hasn't he? He found the avatar, and then fought Azula. But this was for protection. Uncle will understand. He always understood.)

Then why not break the rest of the promise then? This kids woudn't hurt him, they told him this much— 

  
  


But they don't know who Zuko is.

( _I'll explain everything. You will never be trapped again. So, please, don't hurt yourself, Zuko._ )

They still might not want to hurt him, he knew they weren't like this.

It didn't matter, they were going to have an audience with the Earth King and Zuko doesn't know him. Zuko doesn't know what he will do when he finds out, and he will find out, because there is no way they won't tell him. 

(And that would be fair, wouldn't it? Zuko killed thousands. They won't feel sorry for him, once they realize it.)

He will be put him into the deepest hole they will be able to find in Earth King's dungeons, and made pay for everything, and he will **_never_** see the sunlight again.

  
  


Suddenly, there were black spots dancing before his eyes and something in his chest burns with pain. 

His lungs, he wasn't breathing again, he realized. The air seemed to stuck halfway in his throat and he was choking, gaping uselessly for air. 

He needed to calm his breathing down. And it’s better for him to manage doing so without any stray sparks. They didn't seem to notice that he was a firebender (and, oh Agni, what if they noticed? He didn't think it through at all. What if the Avatar saw?..) 

He couldn't fuck everything up because he panicked and let couple of sparks loose—

  
  
  
  
  


They were talking about something, and Zuko didn't hear them, too busy with stopping literal flames roaring inside him and trying to not pass out. The mask made it difficult to breathe, but he couldn't just pull it off and show to them how terrified he was. Spirits, they probably already think of him as a wimp, shaking for no reason and at an offer to help him, no less.

Zuko fumbled with his hand on the ground until he groped for one of his swords. He gripped it's handle with desperate force, and pain in the scalded skin of his palms intensified, turning from an almost background buzz into quite real red-hot needles prickling his skin. These needles pierced the bubble of panic in which his mind was locked, and little by little he could breathe again.

  
  
  


“Okay, let's all calm down,” Sokka’s loud, but soothing in tone, voice suddenly cut in, once again pulling Zuko fully back to reality. The boy seemed to somehow notice that Zuko was listening again, and raised his hands in what must have been a placating gesture. Zuko flinched anyway. Sokka dropped them immediately.

"Zuko, I won't hurt you, I just want to help," Katara said, taking a step back, but not removing the water or lowering her arms.

Toph said nothing, not moving from where she stood. There was a frown on her face and she looked like she was listening to something. "I suggest we drop this subject, you guys really freaking him out."

A surge of relieved gratitude swept over Zuko and he grunted in agreement. It was still difficult to breathe evenly, but at least he was hearing the conversation again and could understand what they were talking about.

"But Toph—"

"His vitals are fine. Apart from his crazy heartbeat, he is fine, and won't drop dead if you won't heal him immediately. Calm down, Sugar Queen."

"And since when you became healer?" Katara huffed in exasperation.

"I may not be a healer, but I still can feel stuff with my earthbending."

"Well, I'm sorry, but I can't let potentially injured and not feeling it because of shock child go just because the other child is feeling 'stuff'." Katara scoffed.

"Who you called children? You're only two years older, Mommy!"

"It's still two years!"

  
  


"Well, and I'm older than all of you!" Sokka yelled before their agrument went out of control. He then turned to Zuko, who had already grabbed his swords and got to his feet. Zuko was considering the option of just giving up and running away, but the other boy surpised him. "So, are you sure you're not gravely injured and don't need a healer?"

"Yes," Zuko said and scowled, only a second leter realizing he forgo that he was still wearing his mask.

"Great! Then the topic is closed, let's find Aang and climb back up the wall. And maybe then, calming down a bit, Zuko can show his wounds. If he will want to do so." Sokka said, his keen blue eyes staring at Zuko's hands. Zuko, feeling uneasy, gripped the hilts of his swords tighter. His palms ached as if they were still on fire, but he didn't let it show. He had worse.

  
  


"Ugh, okay! You're all terribly irresponsible!" Katara screamed in frustration and bent the water back into her waterskin. Zuko felt a pang of relief and allowed himself to relax a little.

"What? Why?" Aang's voice asked above their heads, and then the avatar himself glided gently to the ground, once more splashing mud at them. More precisely, having doused everyone except Katara, who escaped from getting dirty with bending. Zuko was pretty sure Toph should be able to do the same, but it seemed the girl didn't mind mud. He himself was pretty much soaked through, so it's not like it mattered. Besides, he was too tired.

The lemur, who had been sitting on the Avatar's head, chittered loudly and flew over to Zuko's shoulder. And, pawing his mask away, immediately started viciously licking his cheek with little warm tongue. Zuko froze, what was wrong with the avatar's pet? Sighing, Zuko scratched him under chin. While the soft fur wasn't particularly pleasant for his seared fingers, the animal's contented purring was oddly comforting.

  
  
  


Zuko found himself gradually calming down after childish banter of the avatar's friends and his lemur's determined nuzzling. This feeling abruptly ceased to exist when he notices that the avatar was staring at him. Boy's eyes were serious and almost cold, he looked like he was analyzing something, and for a second Zuko stopped breathing once again. The avatar was there when they fought Azula, wasn't he? What was he doing? What if he saw Zuko when he firebent—

  
  


"You're totally stealing our Momo, Zuko!"

Wait, what?

And they all laughed. Didn't they argue just a minute ago? Zuko shook his head, giving each kid puzzled look. Why were they laughing?

  
  
  
  


*****

  
  
  


Ty Lee felt terrible. She soaked through in nasty slurry, and in hurry of escape sat on Azula's mongoose lizard and now the animal, which obeyed only princess, every now and then shook disobediently under her. And this was making her injured arm hurt even more. Her poor wrist was all swollen and a got terrible purple color.

But most importantly, she was terrified.

She and Mai lost and were injured, and hands was so important for both of them, what if these are fractures and not dislocations, and they will no longer be useful, and won't be able to make up for the losing—

  
  


"Ty Lee, stop crying immediately, don't be such a child." Azula's irritated voice snapped her out of panicked thoughts. She inhaled shakily, and awkwardly wiped tears with her good hand's shoulder, not being able to let go of the leash, without risking lizard throwing her off.

Ty Lee didn't even notice she was crying. Azula hated it when they cried. It was a sign of weakness, and weaklings couldn't be the princess's companions. _So messy and annoying_ , she usually scoffed. Zuko was the only one whose tears she endured. (Or perhaps even enjoyed).

  
  


"I'm so sorry, Azula. I'm just..."

"Your hand will be treated when we get to the troops, so pull yourself together." She cut Ty Lee off, voice cold and openly annoyed now.

Treated? Ty Lee felt a small spark of hope igniting in her chest and shot a quick glance at Mai. She, too, looked a little relieved. So it was true. Azula wouldn't order to treat them if she was going to punish them for losing. They weren't in trouble after all! Thrilled, she almost forgot about the pain.

"Thank you, Azula! You are so kind!" She breathed out, feeling a surge of sincere gratitude towards her princess. (Maybe they were actual friends after all. Ty Lee knew people, but Azula wasn't an ordinary person. There was no way that Ty Lee could read her as well as others.)

  
  


"Yes, I am. So be grateful and don't lose next time." Azula huffed, the meaning behind her words pulling Ty Lee back to reality.

"I... of course we are—"

  
  


"We'll do our best. I take this as that we haven't finished with Ba Sing Se yet?" Mai said in her usual calm and level tone, as if she wasn't' in pain and afraid at all. She would make a good liar if she cared about other's opinions, Ty Lee thought. But instead of lying, Mai always chose to tell the trust in the most ruthless way possible. 

"Your best isn't enough. I need results," Azula sneered. And then she said more calmly, "Yes."

"But the drill is broken and we don't have enough troops to destroy the wall without it!" Ty Lee exclaimed in surprise.

And now, besides the Avatar himself, the city was also protected by that Spirit. She shuddered at the memory of his smooth black figure, looking like it was woven from shadows, his wickedly grinning face. Just thinking about him made her wrist ache even more. And to think that such a sweet child like avatar won't be above pulling tricks this dirty... Luckily, Azula didn't seem to notice, and, well, maybe there was nothing to notice at all? Coincides happens all the time.

"Do you think I can't think of something?" Azula asked in that silky tone of hers, which always promised hurt and ashes.

"Of course not! It's just... what if we get stuck besieging a city and the Avatar will call even more spirits to help him, maybe even the Great ones, like he did at the North Pole."

"Even more spirits?" Azula interrupted her, arching one eyebrow questioningly.

"Yes?" Ty Lee said carefully, suddenly feeling nervous. Could she have missed something?

"What do you mean by 'even more spirits', Ty Lee?" Azula inquired, her voice still deceptively calm and almost gentle. 

"Um... I mean— I mean more spirits, besides that little blue one."

"And why do you think it's a spirit, Ty Lee?"

Because he was so small, and yet unnaturally fast and strong, because his voice didn't belong to a living person, all hoarse and seething and wrong, because he dodged all her blows with odd ease, as if he knew in advance what exactly she would do next—

(Because his movements felt eerily familiar, but they shouldn't be, not with the person they reminded her of, dead. Because sometimes the dead return to take revenge and a mere thought that someone like him was hurt and broken enough to not being able to rest in peace and twisted into that creature while making her _sick_ , could very well be true. He was always so unlucky, after all.)

"Was that... not a spirit?" She asked carefully, trying to keep her tone as neutral as possible.

“It was a firebender,” Azula replied dryly, looking almost disappointed in her.

“But how?” She gasped in surprise, foolishly forgetting about any caution. To her relief, Azula didn’t get angry at the silly question.

“Spirits don't burn,” she answered simply, her mouth twitching in amusement.

And if she said so, it had to be true. But how? It was impossible, they all saw what happened to him, saw his body burning on a pyre. There was no way he would be alive. He just couldn't be. And this one was so _small_ and thin. (And mean, her wrist throbbed in reminder.)

"You want to say that?.."

“The little peasant rat dispelled a couple of fireballs. It also sped up with firebending,” Azula said light-heartedly, but something in her tone told Ty Lee that she wasn't amused at all.

"Isn't it a royal technique?" Mai asked, attentive to the details, as always.

"Right. And who do you think could have taught this rat?"

Why she kept calling him rat? Could it be that Ty Lee made a mistake? She wished she did.

"Maybe he's just very talented..." She began, only to bite on her tongue when Azula shot at her unexpectedly furious glare.

"Don't be silly, Ty Lee. Think. Who was my dear uncle with when we caught him?"

"Oh." The Avatar. He was with the Avatar, when they took him in this deserted city. If that not-a-spirit-and-maybe-impostor was avatar's friend it won't be far-fetched to assume that General Iroh taught him.

"Exactly. He must have taken pity on the little mixed rat and taught him a couple of things. First Lu Ten, and now my brother. Dearest Uncle always was prone to replacing lost things with poor substitutes," Azula spat viciously. So she did notice the similarity. And she was angry, very angry. Ty Lee could see specks of black dancing above her skin freely, her aura no more controlled and hidden. "When I kill this one, he will probably replace him with a real rat. If, of course, he finds it in whatever hole father will throw him in."

  
  
  


Still, something in her words just rubbed Ty Lee in the wrong way. It ticked her mind for a good minute or two, before she realized what exactly it was.

"But why do you think he's mixed?"

“It's simple,” Azula said, her carmine lips stretching into smile predatory and perfect. Anticipating. "He's afraid of fire."

  
  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Iroh: Nephew, please don't run around telling people about your curse, making them be able to hurt you. Let me handle conversations, I'm begging you.
> 
> Zuko: I'm gonna do what's called a probender move *proceeds to hurt himself by **not** telling anything.
> 
> So, yeah, Azula captured Iroh. Some of you may have noticed the smallest hint on this in the last chapter, when Katara briefly recalls the events of The Chase. How exactly was Azula able to do this? I've dropped a small hint in this chapter too, and would love to hear your theories, let's see if anyone notices!  
> Did she figure out Zuko's identity? I think danger ladies in general had noticed clear similarity, but kind of in denial now. Or are they?
> 
> Zuko in this chapter has repeatedly accelerated and amplified his physical strength with firebending. First, I needed to level out him with other characters somehow, cuz let's not forget, he was tortured and malnourished for years, his body must be a wreck. But also, look, on re-watching, I noticed just how ridiculously strong this kid and basically his entire family was (shattering steel chain, kicking away a boulder his size, repeatedly jumping to an impossible heights and that's just Zuko alone. And there is also Azula's stunts and Iroh, who literally kicked those earthbenders' asses with a _boulder_ ). So after a bit of digging, I found the theory according to which firebenders can use their chi to strengthen their bodies. It seemed plausible for me. I made it royal technique because other firebenders in show didn't show anything like that and it feels very much like royalty to hide something like that. I will probably explore this technique a bit more in future chapters, to not make it seem like an op thing.
> 
> And with that we finally come to 'the City of Walls and Secrets' events! I'm so excited, Ba Sing Se with it's creepiness is one of my favorite arcs in show!
> 
> In the next chapter: Zuko searches for Uncle, while Gaang searches for Appa. What will he find in the end? Of course, only good things... right? Also some creepy women, creepy secrets and bear parties. Sokka is still not amused.

**Author's Note:**

> İ just want to say, that your feedback is my main fuel and source of happiness.  
> Please feel free to tell me about mistakes in the text!


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